Weekends

This weekend has been going pretty well so far.

Friday my dad brought up something that shouldn't have been talked about at that moment. All this random shit was said and I ended up crying. Not just trying. Like waterfalls of tears. I was not feeling good. And I decided not to think. I cut, once again. Oh life.
A bit later my friend came over. We watched tv and talked. Nothing really about me. It came up, But I don't really find the need to discuss it. Its hard to talk about.

Saturday was okay. The day was I mean. I cleaned and did a bit of homework and that kinda stuff.
Then that night I went to a Social Gathering. We just hung out. A bit of drama went on. A few people got physically hurt, but its no big deal. And my friends made me a cake for my birthday.
The think about it was it was really sweet and thoughtful and all. But I try not to pay attention to my birthday. As Ive gotten older its become less and less of a deal for me. I get scared. Scared of getting older. Moving on. Scared of the new challenges life throws at me. And my friend was outside talking to someone and she apologized... and I kinda freaked out. And shes like I got you a gift and this and that. But I don't deserve anything. What did I do? I am not all that great.

Well now I have a ton of homework to do. Great.

~SilverMoon

Not Great

Lately I haven't been feeling great. I don't know why.
I just turned 16. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to. Why celebrate me? What did I do that was so great. Nothing. I'm just a body. Losing feelings. Disappearing.
But I don't want to go. Not this time.
Its scary you know. This feeling of losing yourself. You're here, then your gone. Your mind and soul. Gone. Your body stays, moving through time.
Thats what my depression feels like.
There is something though, this time, that brings me back.
He is wonderful and caring. I really do love him. So thank you.
But no one else knows. I am scared to tell. Scared for reactions. I thought I was okay. And on the outside I am. I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. Powerful.

And stable. But I don't think I'll ever be.

~SilverMoon

RAWRRR!

I have so much work to do.
Stupid essay. Stupid tests.
Stupid teachers. Stupid school.

But I don't want to cut.
And I don't feel the need to.

My boyfriends being all cute and saying hes gonna get me an amazing birthday gift and an amazing Christmas gift. Two gifts he says. No ones ever really done that since I was small. Everyone just pacts the gift into one and says here ya go. Hes kinda perfect if I do say so myself.

I am getting him the most amazing gift ever. 8 actually. One for every night of Hanukkah. How cool am I?

Everything with him just seems so perfect. I hope to keep it this way for as long as possible. <3

~SilverMoon

Love

I love him.
I am saying it here cause I want the world to know.
I LOVE HIM.

Even though we fight and go through rough patches I know he will always be here to love, support and take care of me.
He has been amazing. We were arguing and making each other upset for a week and a half. One of my friends gave me advice in the situation. He told me to confront him and talk about it. And thats what I did. We are 110% fine now. I owe my friend.

My boyfriend is amazing.
And I want him to always remember three words:
I. LOVE. YOU. <3

~SilverMoon

Why Not?

Tonight my parents freaked out. Cause my life is so freakin busy.
I talked to the school social worker last week and I let her know I hadn't been to therapy in weeks. Cause my mom didn't want to take me and I was sick. The sick thing I understand. But this week she just decided she doesn't want to take me.
I feel lost. Alone. Afraid. Bottled up.
And tonight... I let it out. I cut. For the first time in at least two months. I was doing so well too. But denying therapy is denying sanity, denying happiness. I need to talk to someone, I need to let it out.
I just might go see the school social worker tomorrow. I just might.

~SilverMoon

Suny World

My school is now offering a class called Suny World this year. And me, not being a test taker decided to take it. Unlike AP, we do much more writing.
I woke up this morning at 5 am. My head said "Oh my god. Your Suny World paper is due on Friday. The one you have had OVER a month to work on and HAVEN'T started."
My brain searched for excuses. All I could think of was my mono. It could be used? Right. On top of the paper I've had SO many notes to take and I haven't even caught up with that and need to talk to my teacher anyway about getting an extension.
So I was saying. My brain is malfunctioning. I texted my boyfriend. I told him to make me write it 2nd period tomorrow. FORCE me.
I was so panicked. I got out of bed at about 5:20. Sat down at my computer and STARTED WRITING my Suny World essay. I wrote half of the opening when my brain stopped. I started thinking when I would have time between now and Thursday to write it.
I thought this afternoon between the time my boyfriend leaves and I go shopping, Monday after I visit my friend I passed mono to, Tuesdays out- I am going to a concert. Wait the concert. Thats the 9th.
And thats what killed me. The concert is on the 9th. And my essay...
ITS DUE THE 19TH!!!!!!!!

Fuck my brain. Kept me up for an hour because of an essay I still have TWO weeks to write. *sigh* And here I go. Once again driving myself to insanity.

~SilverMoon

Please Don't Read This...

Je sens la merde de mensonge. J'ai fait mal mon petit ami provoquent ce soir je l'ai fait se sentir un peu comme la troisième roue. Pourquoi font je baisant fais mal aux gens que j'aime. J'étais avec deux personnes ce soir. Quelqu'un qui fait mal et quelqu'un qui peut facilement être fait mal. Et ce soir ... nous tous la blessure.
C'est dans la cause française ils tous les deux lisent mon blog de temps à autre je pense. Et je n'ai besoin d'aucun d'entre eux me connaissant sont faits mal. Ils tous les deux ont beaucoup pour s'occuper. Si vous le traduisez vraiment d'une manière ou d'une autre, bon pour vous. Arrêtez de lire. Ma vie qui n'est pas importante pourquoi le fait de vous baiser a-t-il même lu mon blog ?
Je suis désolé. Continuez à lire. Je suis stupide. Mais j'ai fait mal à un des gens que j'aime le plus sur cette planète. Je l'ai fait avoir l'impression d'être la troisième cause de roue j'essayais de ne pas omettre mon autre ami. Et sur le haut dont il s'est senti malade.
Je suis une secousse.

~SilverMoon

Therapy

I'm sorry...

All Bottled Up

That girl, my friend
Put herself in that position again.
Where is she?
I do know, don't you?
In a place that will teach her a thing or two.
Who's fault is it?
Anyones at all?
Oh this time we have someone call.
Hes with her right now,
Where I should be.
We would just be there for different reasons,
Wouldn't we?

These words flow out across the page,
But do nothing to stop my rage.
I am being held up inside.
I need to let myself out,
And escape this wild ride.
I have the need to kick and scream,
And maybe do everything in between.
I wish I had what would keep me sane,
But I promised no knives, no razors, no pain.

Sorry, It's Been Forever

I haven't written in a while. I don't know. After I got close to killing myself about a month ago I realized theres no point in sharing my life.
Um I have mono. And at the beginning when I didn't know what it was I was so scared. Scared I was going to go to sleep and just not wake up. How empty my life would be without the boy I love and care so much about. Without my friends. It made me realize that I have to stay here. That I WANT to stay here.
So yeah... mono. I am feeling better then I was. I can eat bits of solid food now. At the beginning of the week I couldn't even swallow.
Now I am just tired. Ehh, I get to miss the rest of the week of school. And that's not such a bad thing. I miss everyone though.
Especially my boyfriend. His mom is paranoid. He brought my homework and flowers earlier in the week. Damn, I miss him.

~SilverMoon

Stress

Stressed over my limit.
Parents are out. Talking.
To my therapist.
I think i'm going to explode.

~SilverMoon

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igfjkbvcjv jfdgbjsdkgr dkfjgkwd kwedgkwerkgner. sdgjkdfg.... !!!!!!!!

~SilverMoon

This Friend

I have this friend. And I care about her. Maybe more then I should. I think she cares about me too. But we haven't spoken in a few days. I finally talked to her today. I hope we are gonna be okay. I just hope she cares about me... as much as I care about her...

~SilverMoon

Feeling

I don't feel anymore. And I hate it.
So I cut my fingers. I hope it helps...

The only way to let it out, is to cry <3

Myself

I know I haven't been myself lately. Everyone keeps asking if i'm okay, and what is wrong. But I don't know... about anything. I didn't know I was acting weird, until people mentioned it. Am I really that off this week?

~SilverMoon

The Bitch

Shes a bitch to me. Always.
I hate her. And one of my friends wants to do something.
As long as my name isn't mentioned, and my friend doesn't get hurt its okay.
I prefer to fight my own battles...
But she wont let this go.
Cause i'm hurting.
But i'd would rather be dead then have her hurt.
And if she does get hurt,
Then that bitch is going DOWN!
Well see where this goes...

~SilverMoon

If theres something wrong with him,
then I must be fucking insane.

This Week

Its been a rough first week of school, I have to say. Drama is starting up, people are fitting back into things, and I seem to be breaking down. I don't let many people around me know it. I have to stay strong, for them. But I know if everyone did know the truth they would be okay, and try to help me. Whoever I do tell is very accepting and helpful.
A few of my friends are breaking down like me. But we are all staying strong, together. Or somewhat together.
Today was better then my whole week combined. I went to the mall with my boyfriend and got the NEW Linkin Park cd. It made my week. This week, and probably my next.
But otherwise I have these FUCKIN cuts that FUCKIN hurt that I have to be SUPER cautious about and FUCKIN hide from my FUCKIN parents. RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRR!

uhh. I need me time.

~SilverMoon

Bad Day

Today was awful.
And now I am home.
And I cut. Deepest I ever have. It hurt less surprisingly. That confuses me. There was a lot of blood though.
I cut today for the people around me who feel like I do. Thats why it was so deep. I have other people on my mind to let the anger out for. Two people I care about deeply. I don't want anything to ever happen to them <3

~SilverMoon

Limits

I have hit my limit, I may explode. Things are happening all around me. And so I'm locking myself back in. People are scaring me. So I close my eyes. And hope for the best. The best has happened tonight. Shes still here. But what about me? Will I be? How much longer will I have to stay here?
I promised him forever... So I will be. In human form or in spirit. Forever.
But if I do go I know what will happen. Spirit will not be good enough. So here I am, wasting away into nothing. How would I go anyway. I want quick and painless. Pain is a weird thing. I love it at first... then it becomes old news. I hate it. But I do it again. It may just be the adrenalin that flows through my vanes.

Wow. I am really no longer sane. Whats wrong with me. I need answers. But I cant get those cause "I have to figure it out for myself". Stupid life. Stupid god. Stupid universe. GIVE ME THE ANSWERS!

~SilverMoon

Blogging

You know, I haven't blogged in a while.
Every things been ehh. I do have stuff to blog about, but I don't have the energy. I'm getting lazy.
So whats been going on... umm...
I don't like my parents much lately. Definitely not my mom. She makes me feel like i'm not good enough. Makes me want to cut. I haven't in a while though. But I feel so worthless.
One of my friends isn't feeling good about herself lately. She is trying to make me hate her. But I wont do it. I wont give up on her. Never. I love her.
New Linkin Park album comes out Tuesday :D
I feel the need to get high. Ive never done it before, but I need an escape. I don't know if it will happen or not. We will see.

So yeah, thats about it. My life. People keep asking me to write, but this is as exciting as it gets. Who cares about this crap?!
Whatever.

~SilverMoon

What. The. Fuck.

I tried to help a friend. She calls herself a bitch, and thinks theres no hope. Just like I was when I first became depressed.
Our difference is she shares with people. I didn't. And it annoys the fuck out of all of us she tells. The only difference between them and me... is that i'm reliving my worst nightmare. I don't sleep anymore. Its all coming back. I feel like cutting. I am going INSANE.
I told her off.
She doesn't get it. I "lied" to her. She thought I cared. But her her eyes now I don't. But tomorrow is the first day of school. And I don't want a repeat of last year. Or the year before...
I really don't.

~SilverMoon

A Friend

You. You commented under my post "Who Am I?".
I met you at camp. And I may not know who I am, but I am going to tell you who you are.
You are
Always yourself.
Funny.
Smart.
A tad depressed, but don't show it.
One of the most amazing singers I know.
A great friend.
A sweet boyfriend (your girl has told me so).
A good dancer (last night at explo before the slideshow<3).
Someone I can always count on.

That you for being here for me whenever I need you. I promise I will never give up on you. Please don't give up on me. Be safe hun.

~SilverMoon

Him

He is the one who puts me down,
Then tells me he loves me.
He makes me feel like i'm not good enough,
So sometimes I just don't even try.
He says I can tell him everything,
But gets mad at the few things I do tell him.
He says he will always be there for me,
But is never home when I need him.
He makes me want to cut,
But begs me not to.
Why should I listen?

~SilverMoon

Who am I?

I don't know who I am anymore.
Do I choose who I want to be?
Or am I stuck with being me?
Where am I?
Not sure where I'll find me.
All I know is who I call myself.
SilverMoon.
And where to find me?
In the sky.

Headaches

I get these headaches. When i'm really depressed. And on top of that right now I have a cold. I cant breath very well. I want my nose to fall off already. I wish it was colder. I think its better cold when you are sick. Well I am depressed. So yeah. Whatever.

~SilverMoon

Not Strong Enough

I am WEAK.
My headaches are coming back and I am crying. Its all coming back to me. I am gonna repeat 8th grade. I am going to block everyone out and relive those days. I will end up sleeping for hours and hours on end. Crying. Not caring. Not seeing anyone. Block out the world.
I don't need help.
I don't deserve it.
I am going crazy.

~SilverMoon

Best Night Ever

Last night was one of the most amazing nights Ive had in a long time.

My boyfriend (of about a week) had a gig. He is a very good trumpet player and was playing with a little group that got put together. Well, Ive only heard him play a few times before and I gota say after hearing him last night I join the long list of people who think he is amazing.

His warm up went late and he comes down and sits next to me and starts apologizing 100 times. It wasn't needed but hes one of those people. He apologized cause we were supposed to get dinner before, but we only had like 15 minutes, and couldn't.
He and I talked and walked for a bit then he had to go on stage to get ready. In the beginning of the first song (or tune as the musicians like to call it) one of his close friends showed up. I like this guy. Hes really sweet and always nice.

We both enjoyed the music, and my boyfriend came and sat with us during a few tunes he wasn't playing in. Afterwards on the ride home he typed something into his phone, and showed me. It made me happier then Ive been in forever.

His parents dropped us at the diner. We ate, and he payed for me... something hes been trying to do for a while(cause I usually don't let him). Then we sat outside talking in the rain before his parents came to pick us up and bring me home.

He kept apologizing and saying how sorry he was that the night didn't turn out how he wanted it to. But thats okay. I had a lot of fun and I think the night was perfect <3

~SilverMoon

Whatever.

Even when I am finally happy, theres something else bringing me down. There are so many obstacles in the world, and they are all in my way. Never moving. Never letting me through. Why do I try to be happy? Who knows anymore. I haven't cut in three weeks, maybe longer. But whats the point of not doing it, if it helps me. So here I go, no ones stopping me.

~SilverMoon

Yay!

I forgot to say. My dad called me the other day. I go for help Thursday. I have to admit i'm kinda scared, but also excited. They are gonna fix me...

(:

Yes, I am happy.
I would like to thank the boy that made me happy.
He is kinda amazing... and smart and cute and funny.
And I kinda like him.
Okay. I like him A LOT.
... And he likes me too.
And makes me REALLY happy.
So for the past 14 hours...
Ive been smiling like an idiot.

<3

~SilverMoon

And Again...

Today I felt like SHIT. The depression hit as I was walking on the little strip of beach that connects itself to the Hudson river. I wanted to cut... but all the glass around me happened to be sea glass. As smooth as anything. So I sat on the beach for a while, then i started to get dizzy so i walked back to the pool for a drink. It didn't help and the headache kicked in. I was practically crying. When I finally couldn't listen to any more music I decided to listen to the quiet. Not really. My brother decided two minutes later to yell at my mom in his annoying spanish accent. All he could say was "My mom! Its been a pleasure to meet you!". OH I WANTED TO KILL HIM! I came home, ate lunch, and wanted to be alone... but he couldn't allow that. FUCK HIM! HIS A LITTLE ASSHOLE AND I HATE HIS GUTS CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME THEN MAKING ME TELL YOU I DON'T WANNA KILL YOU ISN'T FUCKING WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE. Sorry. I had to get that out.
I can't even write anymore GURRRRRR!

~SilverMoon

Falling... Into Place

I feel my life is straightening itself out.
I feel free.
I have friends. Amazing ones.
I think my life has decided to get better and I am all for it. Me and this kid have been talking a lot. He makes me really happy. I am glad I am so close with him.

I have got nothing more to say (:

~SilverMoon

I Miss You

I miss him. A close friend. I really do. I was at camp and he would text me, and he was one of the few people I chose to respond to. Cause I missed him. He is always there when I need him. And I love that. I try my very hardest to be there for him too. Cause I respect him. He doesn't read my blog. He may never see this. But thats okay. I am gonna let the rest of you know how I feel.

He and I were texting. He was like "You were so caught up with camp, you didn't miss me." I froze. OF COURSE I missed him. I texted him in all my free time, wrote on his wall when I had a chance to get to a computer, thought about him. So I told him what he means to me. He told me I am regaining his trust. I let him know that if I never got it that would be okay cause he has mine. He questioned it. Asked why I still trusted him even after the situation and how he reacted.
I know why I trust him. And I told him. So now I will tell you.
I go out on a limb, trust him, cause I know what the pain feels like and Ive handled it before so I know I can do it again.
He promised he would never hurt me. Why promise? Things change. But I accepted his promise but I will not hold it against him if I do get hurt. I know he would never do it on purpose, but things happen.

On the other hand I get a text from a really close camp friend. She says "Why do I feel like this? Do you feel it too?". I thought for a second. Then my eyes started to sting with tears. I know what she means. That empty feeling I get every day. She and I got very close at camp and she means the world to me. I need her to keep me standing, and I know she needs me. I told her I would kiss her for eternity if that let me see her. She informed me that she really wants to kiss me as well. I love how we are on the same page. She and I are very alike and its nice.
I want to go to college with her. We have been talking about it. We want to be room mates. She says it would be 70% party, 30% work. I really hope it works out actually. Time spent with her is always the best. Amazing. She means the world to me and I think I need her in my life forever.

Well Ive been rambling and now I am getting sleepy. Goodnight!

~SilverMoon

Sailing

Today my friend took me sailing. I felt free and alive. The wind was being funky, but being out in the open water with nowhere to go, the sun setting in the distance... it just made me so happy. I was calm and at peace with myself.

My friend. He is amazing. Calms me when i'm stressed. He had a lot of energy tonight. That made me happy. To be able to watch him just go. He was very ecstatic about the sailing. He and I went and sat on the beach together for a little. I love doing that with him. We don't need words to see how the other persons feeling. We just know. That's why at one point he reached over and put his hand on my arm. His touch calms me. Always has. When he hugs me I forget my problems. These are a few of the very many reasons he is my best friend. He also has a way with words. His words always bring me up, never down.

It turned out to be a good day.
This morning I had swim practice. We did dryland (yipee) and then we swam... in our clothes. It was disgusting. Sneakers piss me off when they are wet. Well when I finally took everything off so I was in a swim suit I was flying.
I saw a few friends after going to the school to do some work. We went for pizza... and them being the nerds I love talked about video games. And icarly. And tom and jerry. AHAHA!! oh my little nerdy friends.
Then I went and sailed. With my best friend. It was a good day besides the fact my moms freaking out about my schedule. Oh whatever.

~SilverMoon

Writing

So as most of you know... this is my life in a way. This is where it stays. But is this right? To share it? Or should I just cut everyone off? I'm debating it. Who really wants to hear about my life anyway. All my problems. Who cares about me? I sure don't. This may be one of the last posts. We will see...

~SilverMoon

Crazyness

So now I am happy... er.

lmfao. I am single. Friends with both guys. No one is really super hurt. I feel like an asshole though. :P

And yeah. Today at swim practice I puked. I got to get up at 5 am... I am swimming in my clothes tomorrow. I have to study all afternoon tomorrow to prepare myself for a math regents retake. And then tomorrow night I get to chill with my best friend.

I am exhausted. If i sleep now I can get like 6 hours. Night!

~SilverMoon

Screw Up

I am a screw up.

I got myself into a relationship at camp. And it messed up a friendship with a guy who liked me at home but when he told me I wasn't sure if I liked them back. I don't think I do. But hes hurt cause I pulled the friend card.

Hes one of my closest friends and it pisses me off he tries to block out what hurts him. He runs from his problems. But I am happy with this guy. I was finally happy this afternoon. For once. So I am gonna keep myself in this relationship and work out the friendship stuff later. Thinking about it is bringing me down. So yeah. Goodnight.

~SilverMoon

Sick

I feel awful. Terriable. I don't know why. My stomach is in knots and all I want to do is sleep. I think I am going to soon. I can do whatever until 7. Thats check in. I don't have the need to eat or go to any activities... so I may just chill on the quad or sleep.
I kinda feel abandoned today. I am not sure why.
I am sitting in the computer lab. With my friend James. He is a brit. But he's chill. We played some frisbee today. He is so protective. He stole my rubberbands... he said its cause he loves me. But if he loves me he has to understand why I need them. He gave them back, finally. Well yeah. I think I am off to go chill. Sleep maybe. Goodbye.

~SilverMoon

When You Feel Like Dying

I feel sick.
Like dying.
Something is taring at my insides.
I feel stupid.
Alone.
I am stupid.
And very alone.
I want to go.
Far from here.
And die.

Do I Get A Say?

The past few days have been iffy. Explo has gone by so freakin fast. I really love the people here and I will miss all of them so much.

Just like home, people worry about me more then they need to. I may be depressed, I may cut, but if I want help I will get it. If I wanna cut, I will. Its my body and I should have the right to do what I want with it even if it kills me.
But people have been talking about me, my close friends. and I know it. They go off... two of them at a time. And they talk. Glance over at me once or twice. No smiles on their faces. I'm sure they talk about stuff besides me but I feel like I do come up in the conversation at least once. They all know and I understand they want to help. But do I want help? Do I get a say? That should be up to me.

Well tonight for main event there was a college fair. I love those. I like seeing my options, what lies ahead for me. I went to every table and there were a few that interested me.
Hampshire College. Its in Amherst Massachusetts. How they explained it is you design everything. I want to major in history, but I don't know what kind yet. But with them I dont have to stick to a strict type. I can pick ANY thing I want. I can only study African history if I want. History of Indians in New York State. The Russian Revolution. I dont have to learn all that other crap if I don't want to. I can get to the point and do 100% of what I love. That's what really interests me.

Well now I think I am boring you to death and I'm really sorry. So yeah. Goodnight!

~SilverMoon

Kissing

For the past few days my guy friends have been talking about how hot it is for girls to kiss. Well they have been trying to get me and one of my friends to kiss. They try and bribe us. They told me we could paint their nails, do something for us, and they even said they would kiss.
Well yesterday 4 of us were outside sitting in the grass. My two guy friends were like "KISS!" and my friend goes "why don't you". And before I even could say anything one of them jumps on the other. They kissed. Full out. Tongue and all. Me and my friend were kinda speechless. When the finally get up we were still like wow. They both look at us and go "your turn". My friend moves herself so she is on my knees facing me. And kisses me. No tongue. But she kisses me. And then I hear "COME ON! WE USED TONGUE! WHAT THE FUCK!". And they were like again. So we did. But we didn't use tongue. We kinda owe them, but we don't. I never agreed to tongue AND I did kiss her.
Well after that she took me to her room and gave me toast band aids (yeah toast...) for mu cuts. She put them on. When we got outside they were like "you ready?" And she goes "you missed it, it already happened in there". And I just looked one of them in the eye and said "yeah, she also got in my pants". She adds on "twice". This part is true. She put a band aid on both hips. Toast band aids. This is why I love this girl.

~SilverMoon

Laughter

Today I fell over laughing. I love to laugh. Whenever possible. I don't mind rolling on the ground holding my guts laughing. Its just what I do.
Well today I did that. I was crying and laughing and on the ground. Everyone kept asking me if I was high. In fact, I was. I was high off oreos, coffee ice cream, chlorine, and life. Yes, life. Do you know how it feels to be high off life? Its like you are flying and you know you will never fall.
So I am laughing and getting some fuckin crazy looks. I mean really...
At home my friends and I die laughing on the street. We cry and laugh and everyone understands. The person I was with, Ari, thought I was INSANE. Its prob cause hes from Jersey. They all think I am crazy. Everyone from Jersey, everyone at this camp. But that's alright. I want to be myself. I really don't care what anyone else thinks. I just want to be me.

~SilverMoon

More Then Pain

I've been at Explo for more then a week now. Its probably one of the greatest places on earth. I have been doing a lot of fun things and I have met some really amazing exciting people.

My friend Ling I knew from last year. She understands me and tries to help me. Yesterday we were on the bus coming home (yes, explo is home!) from our white water rafting trip. It was a lot of fun. Well we had a very intense conversation. She told me I am one of the strongest people she knows and that she will help me through everything.
There are these two girls in my living group. Emma and Emily. They make me laugh. Laugh like I've never laughed before. I cried like full on tears from Emma taking about poop. Now we say poop. Not crap. Poop is funnier. (:
And theirs Anoushka. She is also on my hall. The Indian from England. She says some weird shit. If you ask her "whats your number" she will say "my number is" in this really annoying American accent. It makes me die laughing. She gets really excited when she says American phrases as well... such as "OH SWEET BABY JESUS!". Last week she told me if you sniff food and chew its like your eating it. She declared she will never have to eat again. She also doesn't smell LIKE shit she smells OF shit. Oh how much I laugh when she doesn't let us correct her.
Then there is Alex. He is a funny child. I feel I see more then other people. I'm not just looking at him... I am looking through him.
And of course there is Ari. He is my best friend here. He and I spend hours throwing a frisbee and playing the penis game. He is hysterical. I love being around him. He is just so interesting. He speaks three languages. So I know what your thinking. English Spanish and like I don't know some other east one. NO. he speaks English, Hebrew, and Chinese. That's like totally different writing as well. It makes being with him so complex. He also loves making friends and knows almost everyone. He is someone I really want to keep in touch with when I go home.

Well yeah. That's camp life for you. I really want to stay here forever.

So onto other stuff. I cut again. And this is why this is titled more then pain. I cut my hips and felt more pain then I have in forever. I kinda liked it. And so yeah. I have to go. So that's it.

~SilverMoon

Explo

I have been at this camp called Explo for the past five days. I am having the time of my life... butI feel like crap. I am sick. I have no voice. Its kinda awful.

I am taking three classes here. I am taking a class called Rock as Revolution. I am learning about the history of rock. Its really interesting. I amtaking a Mythology class... I love mythology but the class kinda sucks. AndI am taking Philosophy of Shel Silverstein. Its AWESOME!

Ive made a lot of new friends here and I am having a lot of fun. Now I am off to a GSA meeting. Ill blog again soon. Miss you guys at home <3

~SilverMoon

Suprising?

I did something surprising tonight. Shocking maybe. Yes.

~SilverMoon

My Head

I'm so confused. I feel like my heads gonna explode. Thats where all my thoughts are kept.
I spent the day with my best friend. He made me feel really good when I was with him, and now I feel like shit. It's cause I am confused. I'm confused about everything.

Whatever. It doesn't even matter anymore.

~SilverMoon

That Night

So the plans worked out. Sorda. One of my friends came and slept over. It was supposed to be three of us. But it was only two.
I really wanted my friends to come. So did the friend that was in my house. But she refused. I will now be gone for three weeks. And I wont get to see her until I get home.
Say you and you friend are in a fight. But one of your friends is leaving for, oh, say... three weeks? Would you totally blow them BOTH off? Or would you stop by and see your friend before she leaves? Well I really don't know anymore. Turns out both may be acceptable in society today. It just depends on what kinda friend you are.
I'm glad I saw one of my friends though. It was nice. We ordered chneese food and watched a movie with popcorn and M&Ms. Before our second movie I curled up next to her. I closed my eyes. And started to cry. She hugged me. She let me know everything will be okay. But I know its not going to be.
I like these moments I have with her. Ones where I can just cry and have someone who I know is there for me. She is an amazing friend. And I love her a lot.

~SilverMoon

Plans

I hate making plans. Deciding what to do. I always screw something up so I choose to stay out of that zone. Well my friends wanted to do something. I offered them to come to my house and we could order food and watch a movie or two. But I don't know what they want. And no one has really said yes or no to my plan. And now they both haven't answered my texts. I don't really wanna hang out anyway. Not in the mood. But I said I would, so if they both finally get their acts together I will hang out with them. All Ive done today is illegally download music, eat, and sleep. Theres not much else to do. I do wanna see them before I leave. They are two of my best friends and I love them, but they always get other people involved and it becomes a party. I'm not in the mood for that tonight. I really need some chill time to get myself in order. Some one to talk to and some one that I know is just there. And sometimes they have these crazy ideas. I love the ideas but my dad's never cool with them. He doesn't like me being out much. He loves it when I am home where he knows he can keep an eye on me. He is always so uptight about parents being around. He has to call or meet every parent before I go hang out with the person. The parent has to be home or be able to be reached. AHHH! Why don't I have a life?!

~SilverMoon

Where am I?

Where am I? I don't know. I am not in a good place. My friend called me today while was panicking. She talked me through it a bit but I still feel awful. I don't know what to do. I really don't.

No one will give me answers.
Everyone says they are here for me,
but I still feel alone.
I am drowning in my own fear.
I am laughing at my own pain.
Am I dying?
Or trying to come back to life?
I really, really don't know. But like I said:
No one will give me answers.

~SilverMoon

Separated

I cut again. Don't ask me why. Its not bad. I cant have my parents finding it. Its in the same place as always, on my left shoulder. Adding itself to the rest of the scars left behind.
I think I have stopped feeling pain. But I want this numb feeling to go away. I want to feel the pain. The hurt. But I don't feel it. But maybe thats a good thing. I can't hurt myself, and other people can't hurt me. They can, but i wont feel it. I don't feel anything.
I am separated. There is me, the living ghost. And my emotions and feelings. I don't know where they are, but it may be nice to have them back. I hate this fake smile, the fake laughter, all of it. Where am I?

~SilverMoon

FLA

I just got back from a swim camp in Florida. I kinda loved it. And all the people there. There were a few people that stood out to me there.
There was a girl. She always made me smile. I loved her complaining. She would always say
"I hate America, I hate everything about it, how can you live here!"
or "How do you eat this food? It's disgusting!".
Shes from Bolivia. If that explains it.
Then there was another girl. From El Salvador. She was always smiling and happy. And she loved to laugh. I can't remember a time when she wasn't. I really like people like that.
Then there were three guys. I have to say sometimes they got annoying, or were too loud, but they were so enthusiastic and entertaining. And kinda funny. Oh those Puerto Ricans :P
And there was one guy. From Connecticut. He's funny. And sweet. And doesn't mind listening to my music. And listening to my rants... even if it is 9:30 and he is exhausted and wants to sleep. I trust him a lot. He understands me. Thats why I gave him the link to my blog. He is one of the people I really want to keep in touch with from FLA.

Well being away was good for me. But swimming gave me a lot of time to think. Thinking is dangerous. VERY dangerous. Thinking leads to my stupid stunts. Like cutting. Which I DIDN'T do at camp... thank god. My parents would have murdered me if they found out again. Speaking of which they prob won't be getting me help. As long as I keep a smile on my face, no matter how fake it is... I am "happy".
I feel like on Thursday at camp I got to a point where I wanted to... die. I felt like my roommate didn't want to deal with me. Whatever. So now I am really exhausted and I leave for camp tomorrow afternoon. No blogging for another week. :( This blog may be one of the only things that holds me together.

~SilverMoon

The Pain of Dying

The pain of dying, how does it feel? I have to admit I am curious.
Have you ever thought about it? That pain? What is it really like? I think that I would rather die a painful death. If I die painlessly I will never get to know what that feels like. The actual pain...
I am so curious to know. But I am scared. Do I want to feel this pain? Or is it something I should prevent? I don't think I will ever know.

~SilverMoon

Away

I'm finally away from it all... cause I guess this is how i'd descrive my week.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control
Try to focus but everything's twisted
And all along I thought you would be there
(Thought you would be there)
To let me know I'm not alone
But in fact that's exactly what I was
~Out Of Control, Hoobastank

Oh well. I am going to make the most of... everything. I'm so lost and alone and confused. I don't know what I want anymore and that's the only question I have been asked in a while. Well dont ask. My answer is "I DON'T KNOW". Anyone know what to do..?

~SilverMoon

ARGG

I spent today with a friend. She made my day fun and exciting. We went swimming and we talked. About everything. One of my best friends joined us in the afternoon. I love him (I have said this in a blog, and I will say it again).

But now... I don't know. I feel really depressed. Like theres a hole in my heart. And I wish I could patch it up... but I don't know what caused the hole in the first place. There are many things it could be. But I don't even want to think about those things. They twist my mind and make me crazy. No one knows these things. They stay locked up. In my brain. Alone. Like me...

~SilverMoon

One Day at a Time

I woke up this morning. After what happened last night I was kinda freaked. It was 5 am, and I was getting up for swim practice. I ran to my computer to check if he wrote back. And he did. Multiple messages. I read through them all, wrote back, and closed my computer. I felt a bit better after doing so.
I realized while I was swimming at practice that I felt quite good actually. I thought no... really? But yes. I was full of energy. Happy. And I fixed everything with him... and, and, yeah... :D
Today I feel great. I like it. I lifeguarded today and made some money. And my friends came to the pool and hung out with me. As soon as my day was over they threw me in the pool. They kept me smiling all day.

Wow. I feel good. Thank you to all the people who made me feel like this.

~SilverMoon

The Dark

Today. I was stupid. Stupid x infinity. Ive been a real idiot lately. Me and my depression have been at war. I feel it starting to control me and take over my life. Like today. I woke up at 4:45 for swim practice, and had a break down. I broke down again when I was alone on this beach. I pressed my face into the sand and cried. And then once more. Talking to someone I truly care about.
I hurt him tonight. I never meant to do that. But after I thought about it the first action I made caused pain. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I let myself. I meant nothing of what I said tonight. But we talked. He said two phrases that stood out.

"because your to afraid of the dark
when you yourself turned off the light"

I thought to myself. Did I really do that? The first thing that came into my head was no. Of course I didn't do that, I don't do ANYTHING as stupid as that. Stupid depression, look at what you have gotten yourself into. Yes. I did do that. Look at the situation you are in stupid? How great do you think you are now? I think i'm just gonna shun my depression. Until it goes away. But enough about that.
You. You know who you are. You are one of the most important people in my life. And i keep hurting you. I don't know how you feel about me anymore, maybe you will tell me soon. But you know how I feel about you and I will NEVER let my feeling change. I need you in my life, so please, please stay.

~SilverMoon

Decisions

I have never been good at making decisions. Ever. And recently I have been making so many big ones. And on top of it people keep asking me to make more decisions. About nothing important. But its stressful. And every time I'm asked to decide something stupid I feel like I want to puke. Some one should just really do it for me. Please. Its not that difficult to do something without my opinion. Really.
On top of that I have a lot of other things on my mind. People. What some people actually mean to me. How they treat me. Some people make me really depressed... not sure why. They don't try to but they say they are there for me. But they put me off. I understand I'm not front and center in everyones life. But their actions and words don't match. And I'm not even sure what to do with those people anymore. Advice anyone?

~SilverMoon

Donnie Darko

Today I saw Donnie Darko.
It's about a boy, Donnie, who is mental. He has imaginary friends. His friend Frank is a giant bunny. Well in a bunny suit. He gets into time travel and stuff. Just watch the movie.
It was a mindfuck. I am incapable of getting the real meaning.
I want on a website. This one:

http://www.themoviegoer.com/donnie_darko.htm

I then proceeded to sum up what I know. Heres what I think:
Donnie died so that the time loop couldn't occur again. Everything that happened in between would have repeated because that planes engine hit the house. If he wasn't there in that position to die it would have continued repeating. And Frank and the part he played was just to mess with us. Maybe Donnie wasn't even crazy. WHO KNOWS?!?

~SilverMoon

Words

The English language has over 200,000 words. Those words are used to make sentences. Questions. Statements. Answers. Scary right? Well yeah... if you don't know what they mean.

Three words:
I
LOVE
YOU

Three separate words. That can be put together to equal one statement. But if you don't know what it means... it can become scary. Am I right?

~SilverMoon

Eyes

I am scared. Of Eyes. Anyones. When you look into eyes, what are you supposed to see? Color? If the person is high? I wouldn't know. Want to know what I see? EMOTION. And I don't like it.
I have a friend. He and I have just started talking his week. One of the sweetest guys I know. Even before we really talked and we would just say a friendly 'hello', I looked into his eyes. I saw pain. More pain then you probably see in a week, in less then 3 seconds. In his eyes. I was shocked. I like talking to him, I like being around him. He has great energy, but I can't look him in the eyes. He knows it too. I can glance, but my eyes dart around. I do it with almost everyone.

So I found the picture that makes me see eyes differently. This picture:


This picture scares the shit out of me. The eyes... they follow me. It was in my temple. On the wall. I didn't know what to do. I always felt anxious in that room. Then I realized it was the picture. Theres a story behind it and everything. Well thats where my fear started. And grew to what it has become today. As I hide from them, darting my eyes, staring at other random things,that kinda stuff.
Eyes are mysterious things. Full of wonder. For me its like looking into a persons soul. You can see right down into them and tell how they feel. I mostly see whats bottled up inside though. The pain. Just like in my friend. Seeing that pain hurts me inside. And it makes me want to help, even if i have no idea whats going on. And even if there is no way to help.

I really feel like I need to say something about my day, about my life. But I don't want to. It's irrelevant and no one cares what I do anymore. Life kinda sucks... and then we die, right?

~SilverMoon

Best Friend

I'm going crazy
I just cry
I need you by my side
You make me feel wanted
You comfort me,
Hold me close
You make me believe
I'm not a ghost
You are here in my life
Have said here to stay
If you left I wouldn't blame you anyway
But you said you'd stay
You're here 'till the end
And that's why you're
My best friend

Awful

I've been meaning to write. But last night I stayed at a friends house. I was trying to just... I don't know. Get away from it all. It was good though. To spend time with her. I needed to be away from my parents. They wouldn't leave me alone. They called me a billion times to see if I needed anything. It kinda sucked. I am still me. I haven't changed at all. I need to be left alone for a bit. I really do.

People know now. About my feeling. But I want to be treated normally. You know? Like usual. But as of now, I am not normal. I have these random breakdowns. Ive cried a lot. I don't know whats wrong with me. Do I want to know? Not sure anymore. I think I am scared of the truth.

Today my boyfriend said to me "I would rather be hurt by the truth, then protected by a lie. I think you would agree."
I don't know if I agree. I have been hurt by the truth. The truth is I'm depressed. And I do hurt. But I do not like the hurt. And I wish I could lie to myself and pretend that it isn't there...

~SilverMoon

Depression

Woah, big surprise. I am depressed.

My friends had been arguing over what was best for me because of it. I was told threats were used, there was crying, and lots of hate. I think it might have been making me worse, but it was my own fault. It was my problem, and they were arguing about it. I should have made them stop as soon as I knew what was going down.

I got an inbox on facebook. Two actually. My boyfriend basically explained what happened between him and my friend. My friend told me she wanted out of my life. I did not understand what happened. I wrote her back, and she replied but had already removed me from facebook. The next night the same thing happened with my other friend and my boyfriend. I had no idea what to do.

In my kitchen today... on impulse (which I never actually do), I told my mom. I told her I was depressed. She understood, and I think I made the right choice. And then in the car she starts harassing me about the "scratches" on my arms. I avoided the topic with her, but later that night I ran. From my dad. I crawled under my bed covers. And he sat down and talked the rest of the story out of me.

Tonight I had a long talk with my boyfriend. Turns out he likes me a lot more then I thought.
Next I would prob say how I exactly feel... and maybe some other stuff. But he reads this blog.
But we had a long talk and worked out everything. He is one of a kind and actually understands me.

My dad told me he is going to call some one 'special', and get me the help I need. Is it okay to say I am terrified? There is no escape now. No turning back. Once you realize that it all doesn't seem so okay anymore...

~SilverMoon

Thoughts

My thoughts keep me awake and night. For random times. I just slept all night, and well, here I am. is 4:21 am. And I am wasting time. I used to never sleep though. I was up, feeling sick. Stomachaches, headaches, you name it. And thoughts. They are what is going to make me insane.

Well on a happier note, yesterday was a lot of fun. I went to my friends house in the morning and watched Shutter Island and Revolutionary Road. Then I went to this little fair happening in my town. It started to downpour but me and my friends didn't care. We started dancing in the rain. They played us music and we just danced. I came home with a huge headache and went straight to bed.

And now as you see I am here. Blogging. But I am going to go because I am finished. Maybe I will go back to sleep at some point. By the way... its 4:32 now.

~SilverMoon

Highs and Lows

This weekend I have had some very nice highs, and some very awful lows.

Yesterday I went swimming with my friend. I love him. That was a very nice high. And then I went to a party. Where i grinded (for my very first time, cause i don't usually dance) with a group of girls. One of my friends thinks they have officially turned me lesbian... But I did have a lot of fun with them, and I don't care. This group of people always truly makes my day. They are loud, outgoing, fun, and spontaneous. And they like me for me. :D

Yesterday was a great day, full of highs. Yay!
But there was one low. I was talking to my boyfriend (yeahh...). And I told him how I've been feeling about... our relationship (lets call it that!) lately. I don't know if he understood or not. Today was kinda ehh. I sat in the sun for 5 hours watching my brother play baseball. And my friend made fun of my photography this weekend. Some people like it. But she doesn't. Some one told me she felt bad... I don't even care. She can think what she wants. People DO like it.

So that has been my weekend.

~SilverMoon

Love?

So tonight I was sent a message. I... don't even know what to say...
It was put in a fun font. But that wont show up on here. I just felt the need to hopefully remember what it said by leaving this here. It was like a code. And I translated. And wow...

~SilverMoon

ps. If anyone knows what love is let me know. I don't want a definition... I just want to know...'

The Deadly River :P

So my friends and I went to the river to swim today.
A few of my friends were complaining that they didn't want to swim cause the river is nasty. I was told that I was going to grow another eye, a second head, and my children would come out funny looking. But everyone came in anyway. One of my friends swallowed a LOT of water though. I'm kinda worried about him...
So today was pretty good. I went hot swimming, hot tubbing, and then I had hot chocolate. And I am officially done with school.

HELLO SUMMER <3

~SilverMoon

hello stupid.

Yeah. That's me. Stupid. Don't think otherwise.
Lately I just feel so... I don't know. Well stupid? And kinda ignored as well. And maybe a few other things I am going to fail to mention. One more day of testing and then I am free from it all. Like a bird. Or maybe like a fish, as I am afraid of heights. And the ocean is big. I can leave it all behind. Everything. Start over... Yeah right. Like I'm ever going to turn into a fish.
So yeah. Stupid. I don't know why. But my fish thing may be a piece...
Ignored? Don't really want to say.
And that thing I'm failing to mention? Forget it. I'm not bringing it up!

Great story right?

So that necklace. From my earlier posts... broke. Yesterday. I came home and cried. I have the chain... but not the heart. I think my heart may be gone as well. But I have the chain. And I will keep it. Forever...

~SilverMoon

The Apocalypse

So today as my friend and I watched 3 hours of Apocalypse videos before our Global regents, I figured out what really happened to the dinosaurs. I mean... I think i know. 'Cause something had to have happened.
I believe that there is an outside force that created us. They are messing with us. Trying to see how long we will live. They are throwing disease at us. Disaster. And laughing. Laughing as we try to fight it off. Just like they did with the dinosaurs.
They created us and now that we are figuring them out they are starting to kill us. Slowly. So we don't discover them. And when we do they will kill us and create a new species. Watch as this species tries to fight them off. Like its a game. A sick, mind controlling game!!!!

I know that sounds completely insane. But I never said I wasn't. Right? ;)

~SilverMoon

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

This is how i feel today. End of story.
I mean come on... Life's crazy. But I will get through it. Thank you to you people that care. You know who you are.
So today I was watching the Numb music video. That one always makes me really upset. Well theres a lot of religious stuff in it. Shes always drawing religious things. Thats one thing I picked up on. The other is she also has NUMB carved into her arm. Very sad. No one deserves to be treated that way. Then they go too far. I still haven't figured out the end of the video. She runs into the church. Is she sacrificing herself to god? Or begging his forgiveness? Who knows? I'm gonna have to look this up...

~SilverMoon

My Tribute To Life

LIFE vs. DEATH
Life. Much scarier then death, don't you think? Not sure why, but probably my biggest fear. Makes me wonder. It goes on. Changes. With death there are no surprises. There, then gone. While life goes on. You never know whats next. But isn't death a part of life? So isn't that something I should be scared of as well?
What is death? Is it a black pit of insanity? Or a place thats happy and free? Is it better then life? Is there a way to compare it? Can you compare it? That i don't think I want to know, and I don't want to take that chance.

WISHING
Wishes. They don't come true. Just like miracles. I choose not to believe because you end up hurting inside. Wishing takes apart your soul until its finally gone. Like mine.
Believe if you must, but people like myself will never see the point in being let down and getting hurt.

DREAMS
Dreams and wishing are a lot alike. But they are not. I'm talking about the ones that you have at night. Dreams are strange. There is much to believe. I believe you dream about the people you love, or have strong feelings for. I believe that dreams may have some connection to life. I also believe if you die in a dream you die here on earth too. Thats why I always wake up.
I have yet to be sucked into a dream. Taken to a place of no return. If you die your soul probably leaves your body and floats into the air. Forever living in a dream. Do if you die in your dream you most likely just stay there. Forever living in your fantasy.

NORMAL
No, no one is normal. There are just the people who think the rest of us are different in some way. That doesn't make them normal. There is only a word for it to make the people who know they aren't normal, feel bad. But you shouldn't feel bad. I don't. I just want to be myself and I will respect anyone that does the same.

STEREOTYPING
We all do it. Its not bad. But don't stereotype someone as something they are not. Thats when it starts getting bad. It leads to rumors. Those suck. But stereotypes. Keep them to the truth if you are going to use them at all. Then they don't hurt anyone.
I do stereotype myself. If you do put that label on yourself don't take it back when it is used against you.

I would add more but I kinda wanna rap this one up. I hope you like it. It was inspired by a friend ;D
This may all sound crazy and irrelevant to you. But i don't know. Made sense in my head...

~SilverMoon

Rain

It rained today. Kinda depressing... NOT! My friends brought boxing gloves to school. And everyone was beating each other up. I got in the middle of a few fights... that were started without the boxing gloves. I was also in one crazy tickle fight. :P

I feel the need to say this. My friend and I went to go have a heart to heart. And he sees this little box and says "If there is money in there i am keeping it. Turns out there was money. $110. In mini money. It was SO small. I let him keep it.

But yeah, outside. Rain. Cameras. Gosh, I now hate cameras. But it was still fun hiding from them. haha. My friends we chasing two of us with a camera trying to catch us doing "stuff"... It was a big fail, but a lot of fun.
God, I don't know what i'd do without my friends. :D

So I have a song in my head again. Here is the chorus so I don't bore you like last time.


I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break
I Will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall!

Its a very good song.
Well i'm going to go. I don't want to bore you.

~SilverMoon

oh WOW (running out of post names)

Today was a bit of a crappy day. I had a rough night last night and a bunch of my friends talked me through it. Then today I was feeling awful. Lunch made it a bit better. But I told a few people some stuff today. I usually keep most stuff to myself but I came out and I told people that I really trust what was going on. They made my day a whole lot better. So thank you to those people. You are the ones keeping me together and I would love to do the same for you... if you ever need it that is. You guys are the ones that keep me smiling everyday and that is just an amazing thing. Thank you so much for being in my life. It means a lot to me <3

I am listening to a song. New Divide, Linkin Park. I love love love the lyrics but it sounds so much like What I've Done.

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide
In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide

I'll admit, its a good song. And I was really excited when it came out. I waited months for it. And it was amazing at first. But a bit of a disappointment. I wanted something new. And guess what? They are coming out with something new and different! They haven't shared the album name... or the released date yet. They said hopefully the summer. I'm very upset...

Okay. So now i'm rambling. You probably don't care. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

~SilverMoon

6.7.10

I feel like I should be writing everyday. But I cant do it. My life is not exciting enough for that. I should be studding for finals. Or doing homework. Or some crap like that. But I am not. For the past... hour? I have been telling myself to go downstairs and study. But I CAN'T DO IT. I guess means I am gonna fail French. All that I worked this semester, to bring my grade up is going down the drain tomorrow... FUCKKKK. That kinda makes me want to go die right now. Not study. Not even a little bit, but die. Will some one tell me to go study? Or at least do homework? Please?

Today was pretty good. Didn't do much exciting stuff but I was happy for most of the day. After I came home everything was bleah.

#1. There was a CREEPY guy in my house.

The shower broke and was being fixed and I came in and there was a guy at my counter. Eating chips. He casually asked me how my day was. I almost peed my pants.

#2. I almost started a fire in the toaster. Bye bye toaster privileges.

#3. I studied. Great way to end a good day? Yes?

I have nothing more to say... so I am just gonna kinda end it...

~SilverMoon

Something Special

So last night at my towns Relay For Life. This guy. This guy... he handed me something and said to me "Do NOT open this until you get home". And me being me, questioned him. I asked "What if I do it sooner?". He let me know that it wouldn't have the same effect. So I waited. I was with him all night, the thing burning a hole in my back pocket. I finally got home. A night with no sleep. The first thing I did was take the pouch out of my back pocket. I looked at it. Almost frightened. I finally opened it. And then I cried. He had gotten me a necklace. I did not know what it meant because me being me, knows there is a meaning behind everything. I questioned him online. He told me that he wants me to know hes always there and that I will always have a piece of his heart. And guess what? I cried again. I was touched. First of all no guy has ever gone to the trouble of getting me something. And second of all... I know he meant every word of what he said.

The chain was also tangled. Very tangled. It was in my back pocket for 7 hours of course! He told me I didn't have to untangle it. I didn't have to wear it. It was just to let me know he is here for me. But of course me being me, I spent 3 very impatient hours today untangling it. Bit by bit. And now here I am. Wearing the necklace. Writing this story.

By the way. I know your reading this. You are the only one who reads my blog anyway. So I would just like to say thank you. Again. Here. On my blog. You mean a lot to me.

~SilverMoon

An Old Poem

Something is wrong with me

I just hide my insanity

I'm scared and lost inside

I've run out of places to hide

Watching and waiting

Until all my nightmares

Scare me out of my skin

And all I wished would never be real

Comes to haunt me

Watching, waiting

And all that I have feared

Becomes a reality

~SilverMoon

Poems

Over the past week I have written a few poems. Here they are.

#1

I will take you to the place

Where I belong

As soon as I find the way

#2

Thats what you were

What you have become

Only matters

I don't care about your past

I love you now

For loving me

#3

Crossed fingers

Bloodshot eyes

Wake up

Stop telling lies

All by yourself

You don't have anyone to help

There you are

Alone

I hope you liked them. I would say they may be written for special people, but you don't know who. Or do you? Sorry if they were slightly corny. Let me know what you think.

~SilverMoon

First Post!

Today, as you can see, I am writing my first post. There are a few things about me you should know.

1. I am usually very open with my life.

2. I like people who are themselves.

3. I have many fears which you will probably find out about in my writing.

But I have decided this blog is for me. No one else. That means if you are reading this you can fit into three categories.

1. I do not know you. But hi, now you know I exist.

2. I have sent you a link because you mean a lot to me and I love you.

3. You are reading this and you shouldn't be. So stop!

This blog is a very big step for me. I usually get into things and they die out very quickly. I hope I can keep this going for as long as possible, and possibly entertain you along the way.

~SilverMoon