Kissing

For the past few days my guy friends have been talking about how hot it is for girls to kiss. Well they have been trying to get me and one of my friends to kiss. They try and bribe us. They told me we could paint their nails, do something for us, and they even said they would kiss.
Well yesterday 4 of us were outside sitting in the grass. My two guy friends were like "KISS!" and my friend goes "why don't you". And before I even could say anything one of them jumps on the other. They kissed. Full out. Tongue and all. Me and my friend were kinda speechless. When the finally get up we were still like wow. They both look at us and go "your turn". My friend moves herself so she is on my knees facing me. And kisses me. No tongue. But she kisses me. And then I hear "COME ON! WE USED TONGUE! WHAT THE FUCK!". And they were like again. So we did. But we didn't use tongue. We kinda owe them, but we don't. I never agreed to tongue AND I did kiss her.
Well after that she took me to her room and gave me toast band aids (yeah toast...) for mu cuts. She put them on. When we got outside they were like "you ready?" And she goes "you missed it, it already happened in there". And I just looked one of them in the eye and said "yeah, she also got in my pants". She adds on "twice". This part is true. She put a band aid on both hips. Toast band aids. This is why I love this girl.

~SilverMoon

Laughter

Today I fell over laughing. I love to laugh. Whenever possible. I don't mind rolling on the ground holding my guts laughing. Its just what I do.
Well today I did that. I was crying and laughing and on the ground. Everyone kept asking me if I was high. In fact, I was. I was high off oreos, coffee ice cream, chlorine, and life. Yes, life. Do you know how it feels to be high off life? Its like you are flying and you know you will never fall.
So I am laughing and getting some fuckin crazy looks. I mean really...
At home my friends and I die laughing on the street. We cry and laugh and everyone understands. The person I was with, Ari, thought I was INSANE. Its prob cause hes from Jersey. They all think I am crazy. Everyone from Jersey, everyone at this camp. But that's alright. I want to be myself. I really don't care what anyone else thinks. I just want to be me.

~SilverMoon

More Then Pain

I've been at Explo for more then a week now. Its probably one of the greatest places on earth. I have been doing a lot of fun things and I have met some really amazing exciting people.

My friend Ling I knew from last year. She understands me and tries to help me. Yesterday we were on the bus coming home (yes, explo is home!) from our white water rafting trip. It was a lot of fun. Well we had a very intense conversation. She told me I am one of the strongest people she knows and that she will help me through everything.
There are these two girls in my living group. Emma and Emily. They make me laugh. Laugh like I've never laughed before. I cried like full on tears from Emma taking about poop. Now we say poop. Not crap. Poop is funnier. (:
And theirs Anoushka. She is also on my hall. The Indian from England. She says some weird shit. If you ask her "whats your number" she will say "my number is" in this really annoying American accent. It makes me die laughing. She gets really excited when she says American phrases as well... such as "OH SWEET BABY JESUS!". Last week she told me if you sniff food and chew its like your eating it. She declared she will never have to eat again. She also doesn't smell LIKE shit she smells OF shit. Oh how much I laugh when she doesn't let us correct her.
Then there is Alex. He is a funny child. I feel I see more then other people. I'm not just looking at him... I am looking through him.
And of course there is Ari. He is my best friend here. He and I spend hours throwing a frisbee and playing the penis game. He is hysterical. I love being around him. He is just so interesting. He speaks three languages. So I know what your thinking. English Spanish and like I don't know some other east one. NO. he speaks English, Hebrew, and Chinese. That's like totally different writing as well. It makes being with him so complex. He also loves making friends and knows almost everyone. He is someone I really want to keep in touch with when I go home.

Well yeah. That's camp life for you. I really want to stay here forever.

So onto other stuff. I cut again. And this is why this is titled more then pain. I cut my hips and felt more pain then I have in forever. I kinda liked it. And so yeah. I have to go. So that's it.

~SilverMoon

Explo

I have been at this camp called Explo for the past five days. I am having the time of my life... butI feel like crap. I am sick. I have no voice. Its kinda awful.

I am taking three classes here. I am taking a class called Rock as Revolution. I am learning about the history of rock. Its really interesting. I amtaking a Mythology class... I love mythology but the class kinda sucks. AndI am taking Philosophy of Shel Silverstein. Its AWESOME!

Ive made a lot of new friends here and I am having a lot of fun. Now I am off to a GSA meeting. Ill blog again soon. Miss you guys at home <3

~SilverMoon

Suprising?

I did something surprising tonight. Shocking maybe. Yes.

~SilverMoon

My Head

I'm so confused. I feel like my heads gonna explode. Thats where all my thoughts are kept.
I spent the day with my best friend. He made me feel really good when I was with him, and now I feel like shit. It's cause I am confused. I'm confused about everything.

Whatever. It doesn't even matter anymore.

~SilverMoon

That Night

So the plans worked out. Sorda. One of my friends came and slept over. It was supposed to be three of us. But it was only two.
I really wanted my friends to come. So did the friend that was in my house. But she refused. I will now be gone for three weeks. And I wont get to see her until I get home.
Say you and you friend are in a fight. But one of your friends is leaving for, oh, say... three weeks? Would you totally blow them BOTH off? Or would you stop by and see your friend before she leaves? Well I really don't know anymore. Turns out both may be acceptable in society today. It just depends on what kinda friend you are.
I'm glad I saw one of my friends though. It was nice. We ordered chneese food and watched a movie with popcorn and M&Ms. Before our second movie I curled up next to her. I closed my eyes. And started to cry. She hugged me. She let me know everything will be okay. But I know its not going to be.
I like these moments I have with her. Ones where I can just cry and have someone who I know is there for me. She is an amazing friend. And I love her a lot.

~SilverMoon

Plans

I hate making plans. Deciding what to do. I always screw something up so I choose to stay out of that zone. Well my friends wanted to do something. I offered them to come to my house and we could order food and watch a movie or two. But I don't know what they want. And no one has really said yes or no to my plan. And now they both haven't answered my texts. I don't really wanna hang out anyway. Not in the mood. But I said I would, so if they both finally get their acts together I will hang out with them. All Ive done today is illegally download music, eat, and sleep. Theres not much else to do. I do wanna see them before I leave. They are two of my best friends and I love them, but they always get other people involved and it becomes a party. I'm not in the mood for that tonight. I really need some chill time to get myself in order. Some one to talk to and some one that I know is just there. And sometimes they have these crazy ideas. I love the ideas but my dad's never cool with them. He doesn't like me being out much. He loves it when I am home where he knows he can keep an eye on me. He is always so uptight about parents being around. He has to call or meet every parent before I go hang out with the person. The parent has to be home or be able to be reached. AHHH! Why don't I have a life?!

~SilverMoon

Where am I?

Where am I? I don't know. I am not in a good place. My friend called me today while was panicking. She talked me through it a bit but I still feel awful. I don't know what to do. I really don't.

No one will give me answers.
Everyone says they are here for me,
but I still feel alone.
I am drowning in my own fear.
I am laughing at my own pain.
Am I dying?
Or trying to come back to life?
I really, really don't know. But like I said:
No one will give me answers.

~SilverMoon

Separated

I cut again. Don't ask me why. Its not bad. I cant have my parents finding it. Its in the same place as always, on my left shoulder. Adding itself to the rest of the scars left behind.
I think I have stopped feeling pain. But I want this numb feeling to go away. I want to feel the pain. The hurt. But I don't feel it. But maybe thats a good thing. I can't hurt myself, and other people can't hurt me. They can, but i wont feel it. I don't feel anything.
I am separated. There is me, the living ghost. And my emotions and feelings. I don't know where they are, but it may be nice to have them back. I hate this fake smile, the fake laughter, all of it. Where am I?

~SilverMoon

FLA

I just got back from a swim camp in Florida. I kinda loved it. And all the people there. There were a few people that stood out to me there.
There was a girl. She always made me smile. I loved her complaining. She would always say
"I hate America, I hate everything about it, how can you live here!"
or "How do you eat this food? It's disgusting!".
Shes from Bolivia. If that explains it.
Then there was another girl. From El Salvador. She was always smiling and happy. And she loved to laugh. I can't remember a time when she wasn't. I really like people like that.
Then there were three guys. I have to say sometimes they got annoying, or were too loud, but they were so enthusiastic and entertaining. And kinda funny. Oh those Puerto Ricans :P
And there was one guy. From Connecticut. He's funny. And sweet. And doesn't mind listening to my music. And listening to my rants... even if it is 9:30 and he is exhausted and wants to sleep. I trust him a lot. He understands me. Thats why I gave him the link to my blog. He is one of the people I really want to keep in touch with from FLA.

Well being away was good for me. But swimming gave me a lot of time to think. Thinking is dangerous. VERY dangerous. Thinking leads to my stupid stunts. Like cutting. Which I DIDN'T do at camp... thank god. My parents would have murdered me if they found out again. Speaking of which they prob won't be getting me help. As long as I keep a smile on my face, no matter how fake it is... I am "happy".
I feel like on Thursday at camp I got to a point where I wanted to... die. I felt like my roommate didn't want to deal with me. Whatever. So now I am really exhausted and I leave for camp tomorrow afternoon. No blogging for another week. :( This blog may be one of the only things that holds me together.

~SilverMoon

The Pain of Dying

The pain of dying, how does it feel? I have to admit I am curious.
Have you ever thought about it? That pain? What is it really like? I think that I would rather die a painful death. If I die painlessly I will never get to know what that feels like. The actual pain...
I am so curious to know. But I am scared. Do I want to feel this pain? Or is it something I should prevent? I don't think I will ever know.

~SilverMoon

Away

I'm finally away from it all... cause I guess this is how i'd descrive my week.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control
Try to focus but everything's twisted
And all along I thought you would be there
(Thought you would be there)
To let me know I'm not alone
But in fact that's exactly what I was
~Out Of Control, Hoobastank

Oh well. I am going to make the most of... everything. I'm so lost and alone and confused. I don't know what I want anymore and that's the only question I have been asked in a while. Well dont ask. My answer is "I DON'T KNOW". Anyone know what to do..?

~SilverMoon

ARGG

I spent today with a friend. She made my day fun and exciting. We went swimming and we talked. About everything. One of my best friends joined us in the afternoon. I love him (I have said this in a blog, and I will say it again).

But now... I don't know. I feel really depressed. Like theres a hole in my heart. And I wish I could patch it up... but I don't know what caused the hole in the first place. There are many things it could be. But I don't even want to think about those things. They twist my mind and make me crazy. No one knows these things. They stay locked up. In my brain. Alone. Like me...

~SilverMoon