One Day at a Time

I woke up this morning. After what happened last night I was kinda freaked. It was 5 am, and I was getting up for swim practice. I ran to my computer to check if he wrote back. And he did. Multiple messages. I read through them all, wrote back, and closed my computer. I felt a bit better after doing so.
I realized while I was swimming at practice that I felt quite good actually. I thought no... really? But yes. I was full of energy. Happy. And I fixed everything with him... and, and, yeah... :D
Today I feel great. I like it. I lifeguarded today and made some money. And my friends came to the pool and hung out with me. As soon as my day was over they threw me in the pool. They kept me smiling all day.

Wow. I feel good. Thank you to all the people who made me feel like this.

~SilverMoon

The Dark

Today. I was stupid. Stupid x infinity. Ive been a real idiot lately. Me and my depression have been at war. I feel it starting to control me and take over my life. Like today. I woke up at 4:45 for swim practice, and had a break down. I broke down again when I was alone on this beach. I pressed my face into the sand and cried. And then once more. Talking to someone I truly care about.
I hurt him tonight. I never meant to do that. But after I thought about it the first action I made caused pain. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I let myself. I meant nothing of what I said tonight. But we talked. He said two phrases that stood out.

"because your to afraid of the dark
when you yourself turned off the light"

I thought to myself. Did I really do that? The first thing that came into my head was no. Of course I didn't do that, I don't do ANYTHING as stupid as that. Stupid depression, look at what you have gotten yourself into. Yes. I did do that. Look at the situation you are in stupid? How great do you think you are now? I think i'm just gonna shun my depression. Until it goes away. But enough about that.
You. You know who you are. You are one of the most important people in my life. And i keep hurting you. I don't know how you feel about me anymore, maybe you will tell me soon. But you know how I feel about you and I will NEVER let my feeling change. I need you in my life, so please, please stay.

~SilverMoon

Decisions

I have never been good at making decisions. Ever. And recently I have been making so many big ones. And on top of it people keep asking me to make more decisions. About nothing important. But its stressful. And every time I'm asked to decide something stupid I feel like I want to puke. Some one should just really do it for me. Please. Its not that difficult to do something without my opinion. Really.
On top of that I have a lot of other things on my mind. People. What some people actually mean to me. How they treat me. Some people make me really depressed... not sure why. They don't try to but they say they are there for me. But they put me off. I understand I'm not front and center in everyones life. But their actions and words don't match. And I'm not even sure what to do with those people anymore. Advice anyone?

~SilverMoon

Donnie Darko

Today I saw Donnie Darko.
It's about a boy, Donnie, who is mental. He has imaginary friends. His friend Frank is a giant bunny. Well in a bunny suit. He gets into time travel and stuff. Just watch the movie.
It was a mindfuck. I am incapable of getting the real meaning.
I want on a website. This one:

http://www.themoviegoer.com/donnie_darko.htm

I then proceeded to sum up what I know. Heres what I think:
Donnie died so that the time loop couldn't occur again. Everything that happened in between would have repeated because that planes engine hit the house. If he wasn't there in that position to die it would have continued repeating. And Frank and the part he played was just to mess with us. Maybe Donnie wasn't even crazy. WHO KNOWS?!?

~SilverMoon

Words

The English language has over 200,000 words. Those words are used to make sentences. Questions. Statements. Answers. Scary right? Well yeah... if you don't know what they mean.

Three words:
I
LOVE
YOU

Three separate words. That can be put together to equal one statement. But if you don't know what it means... it can become scary. Am I right?

~SilverMoon

Eyes

I am scared. Of Eyes. Anyones. When you look into eyes, what are you supposed to see? Color? If the person is high? I wouldn't know. Want to know what I see? EMOTION. And I don't like it.
I have a friend. He and I have just started talking his week. One of the sweetest guys I know. Even before we really talked and we would just say a friendly 'hello', I looked into his eyes. I saw pain. More pain then you probably see in a week, in less then 3 seconds. In his eyes. I was shocked. I like talking to him, I like being around him. He has great energy, but I can't look him in the eyes. He knows it too. I can glance, but my eyes dart around. I do it with almost everyone.

So I found the picture that makes me see eyes differently. This picture:


This picture scares the shit out of me. The eyes... they follow me. It was in my temple. On the wall. I didn't know what to do. I always felt anxious in that room. Then I realized it was the picture. Theres a story behind it and everything. Well thats where my fear started. And grew to what it has become today. As I hide from them, darting my eyes, staring at other random things,that kinda stuff.
Eyes are mysterious things. Full of wonder. For me its like looking into a persons soul. You can see right down into them and tell how they feel. I mostly see whats bottled up inside though. The pain. Just like in my friend. Seeing that pain hurts me inside. And it makes me want to help, even if i have no idea whats going on. And even if there is no way to help.

I really feel like I need to say something about my day, about my life. But I don't want to. It's irrelevant and no one cares what I do anymore. Life kinda sucks... and then we die, right?

~SilverMoon

Best Friend

I'm going crazy
I just cry
I need you by my side
You make me feel wanted
You comfort me,
Hold me close
You make me believe
I'm not a ghost
You are here in my life
Have said here to stay
If you left I wouldn't blame you anyway
But you said you'd stay
You're here 'till the end
And that's why you're
My best friend

Awful

I've been meaning to write. But last night I stayed at a friends house. I was trying to just... I don't know. Get away from it all. It was good though. To spend time with her. I needed to be away from my parents. They wouldn't leave me alone. They called me a billion times to see if I needed anything. It kinda sucked. I am still me. I haven't changed at all. I need to be left alone for a bit. I really do.

People know now. About my feeling. But I want to be treated normally. You know? Like usual. But as of now, I am not normal. I have these random breakdowns. Ive cried a lot. I don't know whats wrong with me. Do I want to know? Not sure anymore. I think I am scared of the truth.

Today my boyfriend said to me "I would rather be hurt by the truth, then protected by a lie. I think you would agree."
I don't know if I agree. I have been hurt by the truth. The truth is I'm depressed. And I do hurt. But I do not like the hurt. And I wish I could lie to myself and pretend that it isn't there...

~SilverMoon

Depression

Woah, big surprise. I am depressed.

My friends had been arguing over what was best for me because of it. I was told threats were used, there was crying, and lots of hate. I think it might have been making me worse, but it was my own fault. It was my problem, and they were arguing about it. I should have made them stop as soon as I knew what was going down.

I got an inbox on facebook. Two actually. My boyfriend basically explained what happened between him and my friend. My friend told me she wanted out of my life. I did not understand what happened. I wrote her back, and she replied but had already removed me from facebook. The next night the same thing happened with my other friend and my boyfriend. I had no idea what to do.

In my kitchen today... on impulse (which I never actually do), I told my mom. I told her I was depressed. She understood, and I think I made the right choice. And then in the car she starts harassing me about the "scratches" on my arms. I avoided the topic with her, but later that night I ran. From my dad. I crawled under my bed covers. And he sat down and talked the rest of the story out of me.

Tonight I had a long talk with my boyfriend. Turns out he likes me a lot more then I thought.
Next I would prob say how I exactly feel... and maybe some other stuff. But he reads this blog.
But we had a long talk and worked out everything. He is one of a kind and actually understands me.

My dad told me he is going to call some one 'special', and get me the help I need. Is it okay to say I am terrified? There is no escape now. No turning back. Once you realize that it all doesn't seem so okay anymore...

~SilverMoon

Thoughts

My thoughts keep me awake and night. For random times. I just slept all night, and well, here I am. is 4:21 am. And I am wasting time. I used to never sleep though. I was up, feeling sick. Stomachaches, headaches, you name it. And thoughts. They are what is going to make me insane.

Well on a happier note, yesterday was a lot of fun. I went to my friends house in the morning and watched Shutter Island and Revolutionary Road. Then I went to this little fair happening in my town. It started to downpour but me and my friends didn't care. We started dancing in the rain. They played us music and we just danced. I came home with a huge headache and went straight to bed.

And now as you see I am here. Blogging. But I am going to go because I am finished. Maybe I will go back to sleep at some point. By the way... its 4:32 now.

~SilverMoon

Highs and Lows

This weekend I have had some very nice highs, and some very awful lows.

Yesterday I went swimming with my friend. I love him. That was a very nice high. And then I went to a party. Where i grinded (for my very first time, cause i don't usually dance) with a group of girls. One of my friends thinks they have officially turned me lesbian... But I did have a lot of fun with them, and I don't care. This group of people always truly makes my day. They are loud, outgoing, fun, and spontaneous. And they like me for me. :D

Yesterday was a great day, full of highs. Yay!
But there was one low. I was talking to my boyfriend (yeahh...). And I told him how I've been feeling about... our relationship (lets call it that!) lately. I don't know if he understood or not. Today was kinda ehh. I sat in the sun for 5 hours watching my brother play baseball. And my friend made fun of my photography this weekend. Some people like it. But she doesn't. Some one told me she felt bad... I don't even care. She can think what she wants. People DO like it.

So that has been my weekend.

~SilverMoon

Love?

So tonight I was sent a message. I... don't even know what to say...
It was put in a fun font. But that wont show up on here. I just felt the need to hopefully remember what it said by leaving this here. It was like a code. And I translated. And wow...

~SilverMoon

ps. If anyone knows what love is let me know. I don't want a definition... I just want to know...'

The Deadly River :P

So my friends and I went to the river to swim today.
A few of my friends were complaining that they didn't want to swim cause the river is nasty. I was told that I was going to grow another eye, a second head, and my children would come out funny looking. But everyone came in anyway. One of my friends swallowed a LOT of water though. I'm kinda worried about him...
So today was pretty good. I went hot swimming, hot tubbing, and then I had hot chocolate. And I am officially done with school.

HELLO SUMMER <3

~SilverMoon

hello stupid.

Yeah. That's me. Stupid. Don't think otherwise.
Lately I just feel so... I don't know. Well stupid? And kinda ignored as well. And maybe a few other things I am going to fail to mention. One more day of testing and then I am free from it all. Like a bird. Or maybe like a fish, as I am afraid of heights. And the ocean is big. I can leave it all behind. Everything. Start over... Yeah right. Like I'm ever going to turn into a fish.
So yeah. Stupid. I don't know why. But my fish thing may be a piece...
Ignored? Don't really want to say.
And that thing I'm failing to mention? Forget it. I'm not bringing it up!

Great story right?

So that necklace. From my earlier posts... broke. Yesterday. I came home and cried. I have the chain... but not the heart. I think my heart may be gone as well. But I have the chain. And I will keep it. Forever...

~SilverMoon

The Apocalypse

So today as my friend and I watched 3 hours of Apocalypse videos before our Global regents, I figured out what really happened to the dinosaurs. I mean... I think i know. 'Cause something had to have happened.
I believe that there is an outside force that created us. They are messing with us. Trying to see how long we will live. They are throwing disease at us. Disaster. And laughing. Laughing as we try to fight it off. Just like they did with the dinosaurs.
They created us and now that we are figuring them out they are starting to kill us. Slowly. So we don't discover them. And when we do they will kill us and create a new species. Watch as this species tries to fight them off. Like its a game. A sick, mind controlling game!!!!

I know that sounds completely insane. But I never said I wasn't. Right? ;)

~SilverMoon

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

This is how i feel today. End of story.
I mean come on... Life's crazy. But I will get through it. Thank you to you people that care. You know who you are.
So today I was watching the Numb music video. That one always makes me really upset. Well theres a lot of religious stuff in it. Shes always drawing religious things. Thats one thing I picked up on. The other is she also has NUMB carved into her arm. Very sad. No one deserves to be treated that way. Then they go too far. I still haven't figured out the end of the video. She runs into the church. Is she sacrificing herself to god? Or begging his forgiveness? Who knows? I'm gonna have to look this up...

~SilverMoon

My Tribute To Life

LIFE vs. DEATH
Life. Much scarier then death, don't you think? Not sure why, but probably my biggest fear. Makes me wonder. It goes on. Changes. With death there are no surprises. There, then gone. While life goes on. You never know whats next. But isn't death a part of life? So isn't that something I should be scared of as well?
What is death? Is it a black pit of insanity? Or a place thats happy and free? Is it better then life? Is there a way to compare it? Can you compare it? That i don't think I want to know, and I don't want to take that chance.

WISHING
Wishes. They don't come true. Just like miracles. I choose not to believe because you end up hurting inside. Wishing takes apart your soul until its finally gone. Like mine.
Believe if you must, but people like myself will never see the point in being let down and getting hurt.

DREAMS
Dreams and wishing are a lot alike. But they are not. I'm talking about the ones that you have at night. Dreams are strange. There is much to believe. I believe you dream about the people you love, or have strong feelings for. I believe that dreams may have some connection to life. I also believe if you die in a dream you die here on earth too. Thats why I always wake up.
I have yet to be sucked into a dream. Taken to a place of no return. If you die your soul probably leaves your body and floats into the air. Forever living in a dream. Do if you die in your dream you most likely just stay there. Forever living in your fantasy.

NORMAL
No, no one is normal. There are just the people who think the rest of us are different in some way. That doesn't make them normal. There is only a word for it to make the people who know they aren't normal, feel bad. But you shouldn't feel bad. I don't. I just want to be myself and I will respect anyone that does the same.

STEREOTYPING
We all do it. Its not bad. But don't stereotype someone as something they are not. Thats when it starts getting bad. It leads to rumors. Those suck. But stereotypes. Keep them to the truth if you are going to use them at all. Then they don't hurt anyone.
I do stereotype myself. If you do put that label on yourself don't take it back when it is used against you.

I would add more but I kinda wanna rap this one up. I hope you like it. It was inspired by a friend ;D
This may all sound crazy and irrelevant to you. But i don't know. Made sense in my head...

~SilverMoon

Rain

It rained today. Kinda depressing... NOT! My friends brought boxing gloves to school. And everyone was beating each other up. I got in the middle of a few fights... that were started without the boxing gloves. I was also in one crazy tickle fight. :P

I feel the need to say this. My friend and I went to go have a heart to heart. And he sees this little box and says "If there is money in there i am keeping it. Turns out there was money. $110. In mini money. It was SO small. I let him keep it.

But yeah, outside. Rain. Cameras. Gosh, I now hate cameras. But it was still fun hiding from them. haha. My friends we chasing two of us with a camera trying to catch us doing "stuff"... It was a big fail, but a lot of fun.
God, I don't know what i'd do without my friends. :D

So I have a song in my head again. Here is the chorus so I don't bore you like last time.


I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break
I Will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall!

Its a very good song.
Well i'm going to go. I don't want to bore you.

~SilverMoon

oh WOW (running out of post names)

Today was a bit of a crappy day. I had a rough night last night and a bunch of my friends talked me through it. Then today I was feeling awful. Lunch made it a bit better. But I told a few people some stuff today. I usually keep most stuff to myself but I came out and I told people that I really trust what was going on. They made my day a whole lot better. So thank you to those people. You are the ones keeping me together and I would love to do the same for you... if you ever need it that is. You guys are the ones that keep me smiling everyday and that is just an amazing thing. Thank you so much for being in my life. It means a lot to me <3

I am listening to a song. New Divide, Linkin Park. I love love love the lyrics but it sounds so much like What I've Done.

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide
In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide

I'll admit, its a good song. And I was really excited when it came out. I waited months for it. And it was amazing at first. But a bit of a disappointment. I wanted something new. And guess what? They are coming out with something new and different! They haven't shared the album name... or the released date yet. They said hopefully the summer. I'm very upset...

Okay. So now i'm rambling. You probably don't care. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

~SilverMoon

6.7.10

I feel like I should be writing everyday. But I cant do it. My life is not exciting enough for that. I should be studding for finals. Or doing homework. Or some crap like that. But I am not. For the past... hour? I have been telling myself to go downstairs and study. But I CAN'T DO IT. I guess means I am gonna fail French. All that I worked this semester, to bring my grade up is going down the drain tomorrow... FUCKKKK. That kinda makes me want to go die right now. Not study. Not even a little bit, but die. Will some one tell me to go study? Or at least do homework? Please?

Today was pretty good. Didn't do much exciting stuff but I was happy for most of the day. After I came home everything was bleah.

#1. There was a CREEPY guy in my house.

The shower broke and was being fixed and I came in and there was a guy at my counter. Eating chips. He casually asked me how my day was. I almost peed my pants.

#2. I almost started a fire in the toaster. Bye bye toaster privileges.

#3. I studied. Great way to end a good day? Yes?

I have nothing more to say... so I am just gonna kinda end it...

~SilverMoon

Something Special

So last night at my towns Relay For Life. This guy. This guy... he handed me something and said to me "Do NOT open this until you get home". And me being me, questioned him. I asked "What if I do it sooner?". He let me know that it wouldn't have the same effect. So I waited. I was with him all night, the thing burning a hole in my back pocket. I finally got home. A night with no sleep. The first thing I did was take the pouch out of my back pocket. I looked at it. Almost frightened. I finally opened it. And then I cried. He had gotten me a necklace. I did not know what it meant because me being me, knows there is a meaning behind everything. I questioned him online. He told me that he wants me to know hes always there and that I will always have a piece of his heart. And guess what? I cried again. I was touched. First of all no guy has ever gone to the trouble of getting me something. And second of all... I know he meant every word of what he said.

The chain was also tangled. Very tangled. It was in my back pocket for 7 hours of course! He told me I didn't have to untangle it. I didn't have to wear it. It was just to let me know he is here for me. But of course me being me, I spent 3 very impatient hours today untangling it. Bit by bit. And now here I am. Wearing the necklace. Writing this story.

By the way. I know your reading this. You are the only one who reads my blog anyway. So I would just like to say thank you. Again. Here. On my blog. You mean a lot to me.

~SilverMoon

An Old Poem

Something is wrong with me

I just hide my insanity

I'm scared and lost inside

I've run out of places to hide

Watching and waiting

Until all my nightmares

Scare me out of my skin

And all I wished would never be real

Comes to haunt me

Watching, waiting

And all that I have feared

Becomes a reality

~SilverMoon

Poems

Over the past week I have written a few poems. Here they are.

#1

I will take you to the place

Where I belong

As soon as I find the way

#2

Thats what you were

What you have become

Only matters

I don't care about your past

I love you now

For loving me

#3

Crossed fingers

Bloodshot eyes

Wake up

Stop telling lies

All by yourself

You don't have anyone to help

There you are

Alone

I hope you liked them. I would say they may be written for special people, but you don't know who. Or do you? Sorry if they were slightly corny. Let me know what you think.

~SilverMoon

First Post!

Today, as you can see, I am writing my first post. There are a few things about me you should know.

1. I am usually very open with my life.

2. I like people who are themselves.

3. I have many fears which you will probably find out about in my writing.

But I have decided this blog is for me. No one else. That means if you are reading this you can fit into three categories.

1. I do not know you. But hi, now you know I exist.

2. I have sent you a link because you mean a lot to me and I love you.

3. You are reading this and you shouldn't be. So stop!

This blog is a very big step for me. I usually get into things and they die out very quickly. I hope I can keep this going for as long as possible, and possibly entertain you along the way.

~SilverMoon