i have nothing to say.
i have no reason for being on here.
im usually on here when im angry and sad.
and i am. but not really.
gurrrrr.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas at 12:50 AM.
Im okay.
Scratches in my sleep.
Feeling extra lonely.
Boyfriend is away.
Not so big on friends lately.
There are people id love to talk to,
but I cant make that first step.
I am too reserved.
I am not shy,
but I can't get myself to be "out there".
I still think about it every day.
Yes.
It.
But I am happy,
I think.
I am shaking.
I need to sleep.
Goodnight.
Scratches in my sleep.
Feeling extra lonely.
Boyfriend is away.
Not so big on friends lately.
There are people id love to talk to,
but I cant make that first step.
I am too reserved.
I am not shy,
but I can't get myself to be "out there".
I still think about it every day.
Yes.
It.
But I am happy,
I think.
I am shaking.
I need to sleep.
Goodnight.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
TICK
I can... TICK TICK TICK... here the clock... TICK... tick... TICK...ing.
It fucking... TICK... needs to stop... TICK TICK... ticking.
Now its in my closet.
Tick away.
It fucking... TICK... needs to stop... TICK TICK... ticking.
Now its in my closet.
Tick away.
Walking
When I walk, someone walks with me.
Behind the light. I see them in the distance.
One second they are there, then the light blinds them and they are gone.
But once the light disappears, they appear again.
Watching, following.
Who is this human, what do they want from me?
I don't know.
And they don't know me.
And I don't know them.
And they will never know me.
Watching their movements they could hurt me.
They must be bigger.
Stronger.
But who am I to say.
They are only there in darkness. Light is only a cover.
A cover for me too.
Am I the follower?
Behind the light. I see them in the distance.
One second they are there, then the light blinds them and they are gone.
But once the light disappears, they appear again.
Watching, following.
Who is this human, what do they want from me?
I don't know.
And they don't know me.
And I don't know them.
And they will never know me.
Watching their movements they could hurt me.
They must be bigger.
Stronger.
But who am I to say.
They are only there in darkness. Light is only a cover.
A cover for me too.
Am I the follower?
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Mesmerized
Not sure why thats the title. It is just the first word that came to mind.
Well hello there. Its been a long time. So lets see. Time for my craziness.
I have two friends. They have gotten very close (fine with me) but they exclude others. A lot. And i get excluded. A lot. And ouch, it hurts. Well doesn't everything? Of course it does. Cause this is life. Not some made up fairytale. No one is coming to my rescue. Things are not always okay. Well, to one of them I feel invisible. To they other I only feel invisible when the first one is around. But thats whatever.
My boyfriends been great though. He's a bit loopy (as always), but still kind and supportive.
I have picked up drawing. I love it. It helps me let go. Let go from my body. My mind. The stress is killing me. APs, SUNYS, classes, college, life. Life life life.
AP Stat has finally taught me something. Everything is a placebo. Its all in our heads. Life. Life is in our heads. So is pain. Hurt. Emotion. Feeling. All of it. Strangling. Pulling us down. Killing us slowly. If you don't imagine it it wont be there. If you imagine it far away.... It will go. So will I. If you want me to. I will go.
I want to go. Sometimes. But I know I wont. Because I haven't done my job yet. That is if there is one for me. I want to help. People. I think. Make things better. They need me. They do. Who's they? Not sure yet. I want to spread my art. I want it to make people happy. Make them feel better. Calm them.
I made a new friend. A few weeks ago maybe. He likes good music. And he's funny. We get along quite well. He would never let me down. Because I know him. Or do I? I know him enough to know that he's here for me. And i'm not invisible to him. He's not to me. He feels like he is sometimes... to the world. But doesn't everyone feel like that? Like they blend in... get lost. Lost in yourself. The crowds. The moments. Time.
Time. What a beautiful thing. We just went back in time. daylight savings. How peculiar. Saving the world from darkness four days a year. Four. Really? No. Two. Two days. We go back. relive the hour. Relive one whole hour. Or do we not relive? Are we not on track until we go back one hour? Which time is the right time? Which should it be all the time? Januarys time because it is the first month? or is January not the first month. What about the jewish new year, in October. Is that where it begins and ends.
With time is life. Did they start together? What came first. Life, living. Or time. Its like the chicken or the egg. But that has an answer. God created chickens... not eggs, correct? Or are we tracing back to Noah's arc. Is that where animal life really began? When they all stepped off the boat. Eggs don't walk. They must have been chickens.
Chickens. Today there was a tiger on tv. They eat chickens... right? I couldn't be a tiger. I don't eat chickens.
Now its 2 am. Or 1 am. ONE AM. Time. What a crazy thing. Time is numbers. And time is a statement. A statement. Like the act of stating or declaring. Well now I will state time.
It is TIME for me to go to bed. cause I don't even know what time it is anymore.
Im sorry. For everything.
Another statement. Directed toward myself.
Im sorry for all the pain and trouble I caused you. I promise I wont ever let you down.
Love, SilverMoon
Well hello there. Its been a long time. So lets see. Time for my craziness.
I have two friends. They have gotten very close (fine with me) but they exclude others. A lot. And i get excluded. A lot. And ouch, it hurts. Well doesn't everything? Of course it does. Cause this is life. Not some made up fairytale. No one is coming to my rescue. Things are not always okay. Well, to one of them I feel invisible. To they other I only feel invisible when the first one is around. But thats whatever.
My boyfriends been great though. He's a bit loopy (as always), but still kind and supportive.
I have picked up drawing. I love it. It helps me let go. Let go from my body. My mind. The stress is killing me. APs, SUNYS, classes, college, life. Life life life.
AP Stat has finally taught me something. Everything is a placebo. Its all in our heads. Life. Life is in our heads. So is pain. Hurt. Emotion. Feeling. All of it. Strangling. Pulling us down. Killing us slowly. If you don't imagine it it wont be there. If you imagine it far away.... It will go. So will I. If you want me to. I will go.
I want to go. Sometimes. But I know I wont. Because I haven't done my job yet. That is if there is one for me. I want to help. People. I think. Make things better. They need me. They do. Who's they? Not sure yet. I want to spread my art. I want it to make people happy. Make them feel better. Calm them.
I made a new friend. A few weeks ago maybe. He likes good music. And he's funny. We get along quite well. He would never let me down. Because I know him. Or do I? I know him enough to know that he's here for me. And i'm not invisible to him. He's not to me. He feels like he is sometimes... to the world. But doesn't everyone feel like that? Like they blend in... get lost. Lost in yourself. The crowds. The moments. Time.
Time. What a beautiful thing. We just went back in time. daylight savings. How peculiar. Saving the world from darkness four days a year. Four. Really? No. Two. Two days. We go back. relive the hour. Relive one whole hour. Or do we not relive? Are we not on track until we go back one hour? Which time is the right time? Which should it be all the time? Januarys time because it is the first month? or is January not the first month. What about the jewish new year, in October. Is that where it begins and ends.
With time is life. Did they start together? What came first. Life, living. Or time. Its like the chicken or the egg. But that has an answer. God created chickens... not eggs, correct? Or are we tracing back to Noah's arc. Is that where animal life really began? When they all stepped off the boat. Eggs don't walk. They must have been chickens.
Chickens. Today there was a tiger on tv. They eat chickens... right? I couldn't be a tiger. I don't eat chickens.
Now its 2 am. Or 1 am. ONE AM. Time. What a crazy thing. Time is numbers. And time is a statement. A statement. Like the act of stating or declaring. Well now I will state time.
It is TIME for me to go to bed. cause I don't even know what time it is anymore.
Im sorry. For everything.
Another statement. Directed toward myself.
Im sorry for all the pain and trouble I caused you. I promise I wont ever let you down.
Love, SilverMoon
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I Have Never Left
So im stressed. It hasn't gone away. I've never changed.
I cut.
The stresses from my friends, family, classes, swim and life have finally gotten to me. And its only October. I don't know what I a gonna do.
My friends and my boyfriend are gonna kill me. And all I feel is a stinging pain on my side. I am rambling now. So im gonna stop talking.
Whatever.
I cut.
The stresses from my friends, family, classes, swim and life have finally gotten to me. And its only October. I don't know what I a gonna do.
My friends and my boyfriend are gonna kill me. And all I feel is a stinging pain on my side. I am rambling now. So im gonna stop talking.
Whatever.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Realization.
As I am sitting here I am beginning to realize... I'm not happy.
As much as I try to get myself to believe that I am... I'm not.
My friends say I seem more smiley and free since my boyfriend and I broke up. But if thats just me trying to cover up pain. Pain thats been with me for 3 years.
How much longer can I take this?
As much as I try to get myself to believe that I am... I'm not.
My friends say I seem more smiley and free since my boyfriend and I broke up. But if thats just me trying to cover up pain. Pain thats been with me for 3 years.
How much longer can I take this?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Greece
I just came back from greece.
It was an AMAZING trip and I had a ton of fun.
but...
My friends made parts of it unpleasant.
They haven't figured it out yet but they get in bad moods. And they have to learn how to deal with them because everyone gets in those moods. If you cant control your moods its obviously your own problem, so don't take it out on other people.
Thats what they do. They take it out on me.
One of my friends got sick. I treated her very well. I offered to come along to the store to keep her company and get meds and she says "No I don't want you to come." I asked her if she needed help with things, I asked her if she needed me to do anything, I let her sleep in and woke her so she would have enough time to get ready, I waited for her to go down to the bus, I did everything. And we get on to the bus and she takes the only seat in the front left. The only seat in the area open. Where all my friends were sitting.
Then later when I asked my friend, who she was sitting with, if she didn't mind sitting with me on the way home my friend snapped at me and was like "No she can't. Isn't that right?"
My friend was like "I can sit with whoever I want... so yeah."
My other friend snapped at me for little things. Like where I sat on the bus, If i wanted to sit inside or outside on the boat, and everything I did was just wrong in general. if it wasn't her way she made it seem like it was wrong.
Then these two friends... started fighting.
They were inseparable for the whole trip... which drove me crazy cause I would be left alone as the two of them would go off to hang out together, and they would take my other friend with them. The only one who understood how I felt and kept me sane the entire trip.
But they started fighting and we would sit at one table and the other would give her a dirty look. Then she would be like "Did you see that? Whats her problem? And blablabla."
Its whatever now. I just needed to get that out.
The biggest thing is that they made me feel really left out. And they don't get it. They have never been left out before. They have always had someone. They have never felt the same feelings I have. They have never felt my kind of ALONE.
~SilverMoon
It was an AMAZING trip and I had a ton of fun.
but...
My friends made parts of it unpleasant.
They haven't figured it out yet but they get in bad moods. And they have to learn how to deal with them because everyone gets in those moods. If you cant control your moods its obviously your own problem, so don't take it out on other people.
Thats what they do. They take it out on me.
One of my friends got sick. I treated her very well. I offered to come along to the store to keep her company and get meds and she says "No I don't want you to come." I asked her if she needed help with things, I asked her if she needed me to do anything, I let her sleep in and woke her so she would have enough time to get ready, I waited for her to go down to the bus, I did everything. And we get on to the bus and she takes the only seat in the front left. The only seat in the area open. Where all my friends were sitting.
Then later when I asked my friend, who she was sitting with, if she didn't mind sitting with me on the way home my friend snapped at me and was like "No she can't. Isn't that right?"
My friend was like "I can sit with whoever I want... so yeah."
My other friend snapped at me for little things. Like where I sat on the bus, If i wanted to sit inside or outside on the boat, and everything I did was just wrong in general. if it wasn't her way she made it seem like it was wrong.
Then these two friends... started fighting.
They were inseparable for the whole trip... which drove me crazy cause I would be left alone as the two of them would go off to hang out together, and they would take my other friend with them. The only one who understood how I felt and kept me sane the entire trip.
But they started fighting and we would sit at one table and the other would give her a dirty look. Then she would be like "Did you see that? Whats her problem? And blablabla."
Its whatever now. I just needed to get that out.
The biggest thing is that they made me feel really left out. And they don't get it. They have never been left out before. They have always had someone. They have never felt the same feelings I have. They have never felt my kind of ALONE.
~SilverMoon
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Happy
I have the boy of my dreams.
I have friends that love me.
I have everything I need.
Right now, everything feels...
Perfect.
~SilverMoon
I have friends that love me.
I have everything I need.
Right now, everything feels...
Perfect.
~SilverMoon
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Something To Say
I have something to say. To everyone.
This is a promise.
A guarantee.
A life choice.
Cause I know all of you care and are here for me.
I promised my ex boyfriend things.
And I am going to keep every single one of those promises.
No cutting.
No smoking.
No burning.
I hope you can all trust me. Cause this is a promise I plan to keep.
I plan to change my ways.
I plan to change myself.
I plan to be normal.
~SilverMoon
This is a promise.
A guarantee.
A life choice.
Cause I know all of you care and are here for me.
I promised my ex boyfriend things.
And I am going to keep every single one of those promises.
No cutting.
No smoking.
No burning.
I hope you can all trust me. Cause this is a promise I plan to keep.
I plan to change my ways.
I plan to change myself.
I plan to be normal.
~SilverMoon
A Dream
I had a dream tonight.
I heard about a teacher being shot and stuff. And it was one of those dreams where you run around looking for who did it. But in life... why would you? He most likely has a gun.
Well as I was looking I was so confused about the whole situation. I really was until I realized this kid from my school was trying to hide it. So I was like you did it didn't you. And he was like I have a problem. So I took him home with me.
We got into my house and I said to him tell my dad, tell him. He said I don't have to tell you anything, and he grabbed my boyfriend.... ex boyfriend... who was in the room and shot him.
And he was gone. Just like that.
Isn't it funny how a shooting and a breakup are kinda like the same thing. The only difference is a breakup is harder. You still see them across the room... And wish you were in their life...
~SilverMoon
I heard about a teacher being shot and stuff. And it was one of those dreams where you run around looking for who did it. But in life... why would you? He most likely has a gun.
Well as I was looking I was so confused about the whole situation. I really was until I realized this kid from my school was trying to hide it. So I was like you did it didn't you. And he was like I have a problem. So I took him home with me.
We got into my house and I said to him tell my dad, tell him. He said I don't have to tell you anything, and he grabbed my boyfriend.... ex boyfriend... who was in the room and shot him.
And he was gone. Just like that.
Isn't it funny how a shooting and a breakup are kinda like the same thing. The only difference is a breakup is harder. You still see them across the room... And wish you were in their life...
~SilverMoon
Friday, January 21, 2011
Over
We broke up.
I am so depressed.
I feel like I've hurt him so bad. Even though he said I hadn't.
BLEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I am video chatting with two friends. They are really helping. I feel awful.
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do... I have classes with him and everything... UGGGGGGGG!!!
Life just brings me down... and I don't know when I will ever get back up.
I feel so lonely. I feel so upset. Everyone says "life goes on...". But life is stupid. And if it has to go on, I don't want to be in it... but here I am. Cause of all the promises I make. And I will not be going anywhere.
~SilverMoon
I am so depressed.
I feel like I've hurt him so bad. Even though he said I hadn't.
BLEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I am video chatting with two friends. They are really helping. I feel awful.
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do... I have classes with him and everything... UGGGGGGGG!!!
Life just brings me down... and I don't know when I will ever get back up.
I feel so lonely. I feel so upset. Everyone says "life goes on...". But life is stupid. And if it has to go on, I don't want to be in it... but here I am. Cause of all the promises I make. And I will not be going anywhere.
~SilverMoon
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Fixed
Everything is finally settled with that whole issue.
My boyfriends happy, but my friends are stressed.
They think it's their fault when its 100% not.
Truth is if i got to a level of depression where I couldn't stand life anymore... Id probably do it again. Weed that is. But I know I am never going to get there. I have the sweetest boyfriend, and some really great best friends who are like family to me, and I know they will help me through everything.
Right now I am not that happy. Last night that was. Maybe its cause I felt the thrill of everything going back to normal. Normal isn't that great. And school is canceled. I actually wanted to go today. Now I am bored. Home alone. Again.
And I am expected to study. Thats all I did yesterday! Todays gonna be awful!
Well yeah, thats all their is in my life for now.
Writing seems to be more of a hassle though. And theres nothing to write about. I stopped cutting, I'm not smoking, but my life's not that great. I just have nothing seriously bad to put up I guess. Thats probably a good thing. But sorry to all you people who check... I am sorry my life isn't that interesting.
~SilverMoon
My boyfriends happy, but my friends are stressed.
They think it's their fault when its 100% not.
Truth is if i got to a level of depression where I couldn't stand life anymore... Id probably do it again. Weed that is. But I know I am never going to get there. I have the sweetest boyfriend, and some really great best friends who are like family to me, and I know they will help me through everything.
Right now I am not that happy. Last night that was. Maybe its cause I felt the thrill of everything going back to normal. Normal isn't that great. And school is canceled. I actually wanted to go today. Now I am bored. Home alone. Again.
And I am expected to study. Thats all I did yesterday! Todays gonna be awful!
Well yeah, thats all their is in my life for now.
Writing seems to be more of a hassle though. And theres nothing to write about. I stopped cutting, I'm not smoking, but my life's not that great. I just have nothing seriously bad to put up I guess. Thats probably a good thing. But sorry to all you people who check... I am sorry my life isn't that interesting.
~SilverMoon
Monday, January 17, 2011
Mistakes
This weekend I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I tried weed.
I know it's not that huge a deal or anything to most people. But to someone who truly cares about me, it is. And I am starting to hate myself as I know I keep hurting him. And this time was probably the worst. I have lost his trust, I have lost everything. But he still loves me. And I still love him.
I was up last night. For most of the night. Thinking. I feel like such an awful person. I've made mistakes in the past, but none as big as this. I hurt the one person who actually cares about me, who tells the truth to my face, who keeps me safe, who does everything for me, and who loves me. I can never forgive myself.
Every single one of those stupid Taylor Swift songs... can't even begin to describe my feelings for this guy. I love him more then anyone will ever know.
~SilverMoon
Ps. If you read this... I love you <3
I tried weed.
I know it's not that huge a deal or anything to most people. But to someone who truly cares about me, it is. And I am starting to hate myself as I know I keep hurting him. And this time was probably the worst. I have lost his trust, I have lost everything. But he still loves me. And I still love him.
I was up last night. For most of the night. Thinking. I feel like such an awful person. I've made mistakes in the past, but none as big as this. I hurt the one person who actually cares about me, who tells the truth to my face, who keeps me safe, who does everything for me, and who loves me. I can never forgive myself.
Every single one of those stupid Taylor Swift songs... can't even begin to describe my feelings for this guy. I love him more then anyone will ever know.
~SilverMoon
Ps. If you read this... I love you <3
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