Him

He is the one who puts me down,
Then tells me he loves me.
He makes me feel like i'm not good enough,
So sometimes I just don't even try.
He says I can tell him everything,
But gets mad at the few things I do tell him.
He says he will always be there for me,
But is never home when I need him.
He makes me want to cut,
But begs me not to.
Why should I listen?

~SilverMoon

Who am I?

I don't know who I am anymore.
Do I choose who I want to be?
Or am I stuck with being me?
Where am I?
Not sure where I'll find me.
All I know is who I call myself.
SilverMoon.
And where to find me?
In the sky.

Headaches

I get these headaches. When i'm really depressed. And on top of that right now I have a cold. I cant breath very well. I want my nose to fall off already. I wish it was colder. I think its better cold when you are sick. Well I am depressed. So yeah. Whatever.

~SilverMoon

Not Strong Enough

I am WEAK.
My headaches are coming back and I am crying. Its all coming back to me. I am gonna repeat 8th grade. I am going to block everyone out and relive those days. I will end up sleeping for hours and hours on end. Crying. Not caring. Not seeing anyone. Block out the world.
I don't need help.
I don't deserve it.
I am going crazy.

~SilverMoon

Best Night Ever

Last night was one of the most amazing nights Ive had in a long time.

My boyfriend (of about a week) had a gig. He is a very good trumpet player and was playing with a little group that got put together. Well, Ive only heard him play a few times before and I gota say after hearing him last night I join the long list of people who think he is amazing.

His warm up went late and he comes down and sits next to me and starts apologizing 100 times. It wasn't needed but hes one of those people. He apologized cause we were supposed to get dinner before, but we only had like 15 minutes, and couldn't.
He and I talked and walked for a bit then he had to go on stage to get ready. In the beginning of the first song (or tune as the musicians like to call it) one of his close friends showed up. I like this guy. Hes really sweet and always nice.

We both enjoyed the music, and my boyfriend came and sat with us during a few tunes he wasn't playing in. Afterwards on the ride home he typed something into his phone, and showed me. It made me happier then Ive been in forever.

His parents dropped us at the diner. We ate, and he payed for me... something hes been trying to do for a while(cause I usually don't let him). Then we sat outside talking in the rain before his parents came to pick us up and bring me home.

He kept apologizing and saying how sorry he was that the night didn't turn out how he wanted it to. But thats okay. I had a lot of fun and I think the night was perfect <3

~SilverMoon

Whatever.

Even when I am finally happy, theres something else bringing me down. There are so many obstacles in the world, and they are all in my way. Never moving. Never letting me through. Why do I try to be happy? Who knows anymore. I haven't cut in three weeks, maybe longer. But whats the point of not doing it, if it helps me. So here I go, no ones stopping me.

~SilverMoon

Yay!

I forgot to say. My dad called me the other day. I go for help Thursday. I have to admit i'm kinda scared, but also excited. They are gonna fix me...

(:

Yes, I am happy.
I would like to thank the boy that made me happy.
He is kinda amazing... and smart and cute and funny.
And I kinda like him.
Okay. I like him A LOT.
... And he likes me too.
And makes me REALLY happy.
So for the past 14 hours...
Ive been smiling like an idiot.

<3

~SilverMoon

And Again...

Today I felt like SHIT. The depression hit as I was walking on the little strip of beach that connects itself to the Hudson river. I wanted to cut... but all the glass around me happened to be sea glass. As smooth as anything. So I sat on the beach for a while, then i started to get dizzy so i walked back to the pool for a drink. It didn't help and the headache kicked in. I was practically crying. When I finally couldn't listen to any more music I decided to listen to the quiet. Not really. My brother decided two minutes later to yell at my mom in his annoying spanish accent. All he could say was "My mom! Its been a pleasure to meet you!". OH I WANTED TO KILL HIM! I came home, ate lunch, and wanted to be alone... but he couldn't allow that. FUCK HIM! HIS A LITTLE ASSHOLE AND I HATE HIS GUTS CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME THEN MAKING ME TELL YOU I DON'T WANNA KILL YOU ISN'T FUCKING WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE. Sorry. I had to get that out.
I can't even write anymore GURRRRRR!

~SilverMoon

Falling... Into Place

I feel my life is straightening itself out.
I feel free.
I have friends. Amazing ones.
I think my life has decided to get better and I am all for it. Me and this kid have been talking a lot. He makes me really happy. I am glad I am so close with him.

I have got nothing more to say (:

~SilverMoon

I Miss You

I miss him. A close friend. I really do. I was at camp and he would text me, and he was one of the few people I chose to respond to. Cause I missed him. He is always there when I need him. And I love that. I try my very hardest to be there for him too. Cause I respect him. He doesn't read my blog. He may never see this. But thats okay. I am gonna let the rest of you know how I feel.

He and I were texting. He was like "You were so caught up with camp, you didn't miss me." I froze. OF COURSE I missed him. I texted him in all my free time, wrote on his wall when I had a chance to get to a computer, thought about him. So I told him what he means to me. He told me I am regaining his trust. I let him know that if I never got it that would be okay cause he has mine. He questioned it. Asked why I still trusted him even after the situation and how he reacted.
I know why I trust him. And I told him. So now I will tell you.
I go out on a limb, trust him, cause I know what the pain feels like and Ive handled it before so I know I can do it again.
He promised he would never hurt me. Why promise? Things change. But I accepted his promise but I will not hold it against him if I do get hurt. I know he would never do it on purpose, but things happen.

On the other hand I get a text from a really close camp friend. She says "Why do I feel like this? Do you feel it too?". I thought for a second. Then my eyes started to sting with tears. I know what she means. That empty feeling I get every day. She and I got very close at camp and she means the world to me. I need her to keep me standing, and I know she needs me. I told her I would kiss her for eternity if that let me see her. She informed me that she really wants to kiss me as well. I love how we are on the same page. She and I are very alike and its nice.
I want to go to college with her. We have been talking about it. We want to be room mates. She says it would be 70% party, 30% work. I really hope it works out actually. Time spent with her is always the best. Amazing. She means the world to me and I think I need her in my life forever.

Well Ive been rambling and now I am getting sleepy. Goodnight!

~SilverMoon

Sailing

Today my friend took me sailing. I felt free and alive. The wind was being funky, but being out in the open water with nowhere to go, the sun setting in the distance... it just made me so happy. I was calm and at peace with myself.

My friend. He is amazing. Calms me when i'm stressed. He had a lot of energy tonight. That made me happy. To be able to watch him just go. He was very ecstatic about the sailing. He and I went and sat on the beach together for a little. I love doing that with him. We don't need words to see how the other persons feeling. We just know. That's why at one point he reached over and put his hand on my arm. His touch calms me. Always has. When he hugs me I forget my problems. These are a few of the very many reasons he is my best friend. He also has a way with words. His words always bring me up, never down.

It turned out to be a good day.
This morning I had swim practice. We did dryland (yipee) and then we swam... in our clothes. It was disgusting. Sneakers piss me off when they are wet. Well when I finally took everything off so I was in a swim suit I was flying.
I saw a few friends after going to the school to do some work. We went for pizza... and them being the nerds I love talked about video games. And icarly. And tom and jerry. AHAHA!! oh my little nerdy friends.
Then I went and sailed. With my best friend. It was a good day besides the fact my moms freaking out about my schedule. Oh whatever.

~SilverMoon

Writing

So as most of you know... this is my life in a way. This is where it stays. But is this right? To share it? Or should I just cut everyone off? I'm debating it. Who really wants to hear about my life anyway. All my problems. Who cares about me? I sure don't. This may be one of the last posts. We will see...

~SilverMoon

Crazyness

So now I am happy... er.

lmfao. I am single. Friends with both guys. No one is really super hurt. I feel like an asshole though. :P

And yeah. Today at swim practice I puked. I got to get up at 5 am... I am swimming in my clothes tomorrow. I have to study all afternoon tomorrow to prepare myself for a math regents retake. And then tomorrow night I get to chill with my best friend.

I am exhausted. If i sleep now I can get like 6 hours. Night!

~SilverMoon

Screw Up

I am a screw up.

I got myself into a relationship at camp. And it messed up a friendship with a guy who liked me at home but when he told me I wasn't sure if I liked them back. I don't think I do. But hes hurt cause I pulled the friend card.

Hes one of my closest friends and it pisses me off he tries to block out what hurts him. He runs from his problems. But I am happy with this guy. I was finally happy this afternoon. For once. So I am gonna keep myself in this relationship and work out the friendship stuff later. Thinking about it is bringing me down. So yeah. Goodnight.

~SilverMoon

Sick

I feel awful. Terriable. I don't know why. My stomach is in knots and all I want to do is sleep. I think I am going to soon. I can do whatever until 7. Thats check in. I don't have the need to eat or go to any activities... so I may just chill on the quad or sleep.
I kinda feel abandoned today. I am not sure why.
I am sitting in the computer lab. With my friend James. He is a brit. But he's chill. We played some frisbee today. He is so protective. He stole my rubberbands... he said its cause he loves me. But if he loves me he has to understand why I need them. He gave them back, finally. Well yeah. I think I am off to go chill. Sleep maybe. Goodbye.

~SilverMoon

When You Feel Like Dying

I feel sick.
Like dying.
Something is taring at my insides.
I feel stupid.
Alone.
I am stupid.
And very alone.
I want to go.
Far from here.
And die.

Do I Get A Say?

The past few days have been iffy. Explo has gone by so freakin fast. I really love the people here and I will miss all of them so much.

Just like home, people worry about me more then they need to. I may be depressed, I may cut, but if I want help I will get it. If I wanna cut, I will. Its my body and I should have the right to do what I want with it even if it kills me.
But people have been talking about me, my close friends. and I know it. They go off... two of them at a time. And they talk. Glance over at me once or twice. No smiles on their faces. I'm sure they talk about stuff besides me but I feel like I do come up in the conversation at least once. They all know and I understand they want to help. But do I want help? Do I get a say? That should be up to me.

Well tonight for main event there was a college fair. I love those. I like seeing my options, what lies ahead for me. I went to every table and there were a few that interested me.
Hampshire College. Its in Amherst Massachusetts. How they explained it is you design everything. I want to major in history, but I don't know what kind yet. But with them I dont have to stick to a strict type. I can pick ANY thing I want. I can only study African history if I want. History of Indians in New York State. The Russian Revolution. I dont have to learn all that other crap if I don't want to. I can get to the point and do 100% of what I love. That's what really interests me.

Well now I think I am boring you to death and I'm really sorry. So yeah. Goodnight!

~SilverMoon